"The label you give yourself cannot impact external forces that are not motivated by your own psychology or influenced by a third party's pre-existing consciousness of you. We are all presented with reasons to struggle which come from completely external forces; to pretend that one is not struggling is either arrogance or an admission of defeat. To admit that one is struggling is a sign and a source of strength." - Evan A. Baker

Sunday, May 3, 2009

The Biggest Loser

We just finished our queue of Biggest Losers from our DVR. I freaking LOVE that show. I hate how it's two hours, but man, there's so much great drama in that program. My favorite part these last few episodes is when they did Makeover week (1. I'm a girl. I LOVE makeovers. 2. Tim Gunn!) and the remaining contestants went to Macy's and they got to wear clothes. Not sheets sewn together, but clothes that hug their bodies, and show off their curves instead of covering them, and to see these people look at their reflections and almost not beleive it's them...it gets me. And then the show had brought in their spouses, who they haven't seen for something like almost 4 months, and some of the contestants have lost over 100 pounds. To see their loved ones' reactions is just so amazing to me; I cried EVERY time. Because the beautiful person inside is showing up on the outside, and the spouses get to think, wow! I'm going to be able to spend at least 10-15 more years with my best friend because they're getting healthy.

But one contestant, Kristin, just broke my heart. She was the fattest female contestant on the show ever and she was in the final 6 and she finally admitted to herself that she could win. And not only that, but that she WANTED to win! And she started crying - admitting to herself that she never let herself think that she could win the show because if she admitted to wanting something she would then suddenly jinx herself and would therefore not get it.

I looked at her on my tv and agreed, "Tell me about it."

Being a struggling actress is difficult. Even if we tell, let's say, our parents, about our auditions, they always get so excited for us, and they'll call asking how it went. "Honey! How did it go!?" they'll squeal into the telephone, requiring a struggling actress to hold her phone three feet out or risk deafness. And you have to calm them down. "It was a commercial audition, they saw me for 30 seconds, they're auditioning 1,000 people for the same role, it went." And we learn to never tell our parents about auditions. And that's heartbreaking, because, well, I really want to involve my family. But if you're not in show business, you don't know how hard it is. Everything seems so easy. "Do shampoo commercials!" my gradmother always decreed. I wish it was so simple. I wish I COULD just "do" shampoo commercials.

So when we audition for something, and get called back for it, and there's still so much going on behind the scenes that we don't know about, it's almost terrifying to admit to our family and friends, that "Yes! I really want this! I really, really want this!" Because if we don't get it, (how I wish 2nd place meant something in the biz) it's a huge letdown not only to ourselves, but now our whole social network.
"Did you get the part?"
"No, maybe next time."
"Hey, did you get the part?!"
"You would've been the first to know."
"Your mom told me you were up for a huge part! Did you get it!?"
"Nope. Still a little bummed about it."
"Hey girl! You totally got that part, didn't you!??"

We struggling actresses get to feel like Kristin from The Biggest Loser a couple of times a month; we get to that point where if we admit we want it, we won't get it. And sure enough, that was the episode where Kristin vot voted off.

Sure, you've heard of actors botching a callback and then booking it, but more likely, you've heard of actors completely rocking out an audition, rocking out their callback, rocking out their producer callbacks, and then not getting it. At least, I've heard of that.

I've lived it.

1 comment:

  1. Most of us have lived it -- and lived through it. There are some projects that we all reallyreally want to book -- jobs that we know will validate what we've been struggling for so long to do and be great opportunities for future career growth. And there will always be auditions where we know we did our best, and then it was out of our hands.

    At those times, and with those moments, we can allow ourselves to feel strengthened about who we are and what we love to do, regardless of the outcome. A good actress who does not book a job is still a good actress. A bad actress who DOES book a job is still a bad actress. Just don't let what you book define your worth as an artist or as a human. You're worth so much more than any job you will ever book.

    Much love to you, my brilliant constellation.


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