Can I blame this feeling of stagnation on the holidays?
I should be happy! I just filmed a fun little video for a friend of mine who told me she sat down to write the darn thing and thought, "What would Lira say?" She wrote it for me! And it was so fun, and easy, and great, and fun, and easy and great....
I should be happy! The webseries I shot last summer is having their premiere this Sunday at a cozy little bar (that I actually know because I had shot something there a few years before). I'm going to be reunited with a cast and crew who were a blast to work with, a joy to joke around with, and a director who pretty much sat me down and said, "Listen. You are going to happen." This is the director who told me that after my first audition, he knew I was his girl and he rewrote parts of the character and script to cater to me and what I bring to the table.
I should be happy! I already booked a commercial this year! A commercial that involves a really cute concept, and had the director take both my hands after I was finished to tell me how fantastic I was. That had three separate crew members come find me to tell me how everyone thought I was so incredibly great.
But I'm not happy. I am not happy at all. I am scared. And I think my commercial class last night is the final straw of me being able to admit, I am NOT happy. I am Scared.
I am simply not working as much as I should be. And it's really starting to hurt my heart. I could always say to myself, "Self, you're not working as much as you should be, because you're not good enough yet." But I've been in a scene study class with the fantastic Billy O'Leary for a year now. I'm really pretty good. But I do not get theatrical auditions. I just don't. And working every week on material, and getting more and more proud of the work that I'm doing (which is a feat, as I am incredibly critical of myself) but not being able to show the payoff of studying so hard to casting directors who cast television is hurting. In fact, we even had a working actor, who's a lead in a series, audit our class based on our mutual friend's recommendation, and he had told her "There's absolutely no reason why Lira shouldn't be on tv right now." And hearing that felt so wonderful! An actor who works all the time, who is bouncing between two different states to film two different shows, sees my work and thinks I'm ready to be where he is, felt fantastic. But I'm not on tv right now.
I am struggling to make rent. I am getting tired of how much energy I am putting into this Struggling Actress life and yet still, STILL can't get a job that pays me a living.
The last two auditions my commercial agency sent me out on, I got called back for both, and booked one of them. That was a month ago. I haven't gone out since.
And I had even enrolled in a commercial callback class! I dug through couch cushions, picked up pennies on the sidewalk and finally came up with enough money to take this very expensive, heavily recommended class, only to have an incredibly overworked and angry instructor make two people needlessly cry in class.
I'm tired. I'm so tired, you guys.
Maybe, just maybe I'm so close. Maybe this is the valley before I peak.
But my nerves are shot, my future feels bleak, and if I pretend it's how many strokes I played in my last game of golf, I can be proud of my credit score.
I'm sorry to bum you out. I really am. Because I know that for every me, there are 10,000 other Struggling Actors all going through the same thing. I am not alone in this. I am not the only one who feels like they've never been given a shot.
It just kinda feels like that right now.
That I'm a failure.
And if you're a Struggling Actor reading this right now, I could really use your help. Please comment about YOUR success. Please tell me that YOU are booking commercials, that YOU are booking television or new media, that YOU are starting to make some headway in this game.
Because I need to know that it does happen. That it happens all the time.
Please let me share in the joy of your successes. I'll raise my pompoms and project with all my might, "GOOOO TEAM!"