"The label you give yourself cannot impact external forces that are not motivated by your own psychology or influenced by a third party's pre-existing consciousness of you. We are all presented with reasons to struggle which come from completely external forces; to pretend that one is not struggling is either arrogance or an admission of defeat. To admit that one is struggling is a sign and a source of strength." - Evan A. Baker

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

The Giant Dipper

I remember being a small girl, holding my dad's hand as we sized up the Giant Dipper at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, one of the biggest all wooden roller coasters in the state. I was finally tall enough to ride, and I remember the way the coaster would dip and then roll back up, giving me that adrenaline inducing dropped stomach feeling. It was scary in the beginning, but I remember loving it, loving the hills and valleys, and at the end, feeling so energized. I was wind-blown with wet eyes, and I wanted to ride it again.

2015 hurt me. 2014 hurt me too. I had a year and a half of being so frustrated with not booking, with not being able to find part time work that gave me joy, with my artistic creative self not creating anything of import. I pretty much stopped writing. I pretty much stopped caring. I pretty much stopped being happy.

But man, I hid it. I hid it so extremely well. I was such a master at hiding it, I convinced myself that everything was fine. I mean, sure, some friends knew I was frustrated, but they didn't know the deep self-loathing I was dealing with because I was fucking smiling and making jokes throughout it all.

I didn't even know I was depressed myself.

Not until my husband sat me down and told me, with tears on his face, that he didn't know how to help me. That I wasn't creating anything for myself, and that he knew I was miserable, and what could he do to assist me?

He told me he was terrified I'd be angry at him. That I would be hurt, defensive.

Instead, I was shocked.

I was miserable?

I was miserable!


And more than anything, I wanted my husband to be proud of me, but the past year and a half, I didn't have anything I was proud of myself.

And that had to change.

There are several things I've got going on now, several things I'm excited to announce over the next few months, one of them requiring a huge change to my appearance.

I love this photo over here. I shared it on Facebook on Dec 25th.

After a year and a half of feeling trapped, stuck, in a tight space that no longer fit me, that made my entire body ache, I find myself bursting through a cocoon.

It's the roller coaster all over again. I had my valleys, but I'm on the upswing. My stomach dropped. I'm having fun again.

2016 IS a year of magnificent transformation already because, guess what?

I'm blonde now.

My eyes are wet and my hair is windblown.

I want to ride life again.

I hope you do too.