"The label you give yourself cannot impact external forces that are not motivated by your own psychology or influenced by a third party's pre-existing consciousness of you. We are all presented with reasons to struggle which come from completely external forces; to pretend that one is not struggling is either arrogance or an admission of defeat. To admit that one is struggling is a sign and a source of strength." - Evan A. Baker

Friday, June 10, 2016

The Whole Point

I'm still getting used to the blonde. Isn't that silly? Almost six months in and I still catch myself and go Whoa!

I did a play. In Studio City. I was the female lead with my own bow. We got standing ovations. Patrons waited outside, people I didn't know, to compliment me, to tell me how much I affected them.

I'm almost done writing a book. I'm currently researching how to write non-fiction query letters. You know what's exciting and terrifying? That! But it shouldn't be scary, because even if no one picks it up, I can always self publish. Like I've been doing here.

I'm in development for a web series with a story that makes my heart break in several pieces, but I still think is going to be funny in its poignancy. I even have an actor who recurs on Silicon Valley say he'll play the lead's Husband should his schedule allow.

I received an email from Marco thanking me for this blog, thanking me for sharing the ups as well as the downs, because that's what this actor life freaking is, you know? And that he hopes I'll continue to write it.

Well, Marco, thank YOU. Thank you for reminding me we're all in this together, that it takes a village, that it takes a community, and that we need it to thrive.

So the above were and are my ups. I do have one big down: My pregnancy ended at 8 weeks. I told very few people about it as I was shrouded in guilt and shame and the after effects when a uterus sheds its contents. Sometimes I want to talk about it, sometimes I want to keep it a secret. Sometimes I don't know if anyone else can understand mourning and relief and how they can be separate but together, like the white doily backing of a red valentine. Sometimes I think about the life that almost was, but isn't.

And I'll think back to what my Lady of Awesome told me after I told her; that when she was younger, she was taken to a psychic for fun, and the woman told her that she would have three children, 'Maybe not children, per se, but three things that you will give birth to.' Ideas into Things. And how that was the absolute best response to what I went through. How I cried in relief over that.

Ideas into Things.

Because, isn't that the whole point of why we keep doing what we do?

Keep on doing it.