"The label you give yourself cannot impact external forces that are not motivated by your own psychology or influenced by a third party's pre-existing consciousness of you. We are all presented with reasons to struggle which come from completely external forces; to pretend that one is not struggling is either arrogance or an admission of defeat. To admit that one is struggling is a sign and a source of strength." - Evan A. Baker

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Oh, but what about Dark Brown?!

Oh man! What about a really super dark brown? So that my pale skin would look all Snow Whitey? And WHAT ABOUT BANGS!? Okay, yes I understand that I'd have to straighten my bangs every time I washed my hair, but really, small price to pay and bangs are so IN right now! I mean, I could pull off the pin-up girl look right? I could do it!

I DID buy a super awesome push up bra back in January, and I DO have chicken cutlets to add even more oomph.

I Could be a Varga Girl! I could! I have to really be serious about keeping up my running regimen, but seriously, I could do it!

I want bangs!

Don't they look like fun?

TLC Shows Want to Keep It Fresh!

Morman/Boling Casting has this posted in BOLD for their latest "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" breakdown.


I didn't know there was a show called "Your Kid Ate What?"!! I'm SO dvr-ing that one!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Everybody Does It

I'm going over the contract from the manager I met with last week. and I've got a hair modeling gig on August 10 in Santa Monica, and all I can think about is.... Blond.

Every woman should go blond at least once in their life, right? Shakira did it, Madonna did it and does it now, Scarlett Johanssen did it, Lindsay Lohan did it, Jessica Simpson does it, I mean, come on! I want to be blond!

Blonds have more fun! Blonds can wear blue eyeshadow!

My sister grew up blond!

Oh the itch to go blond has really struck me for some reason. Why? Cause it's summer and it's hot and my birthday's coming up and I want a change? Is it because I am happy with my hair length and want to grow it out more, so I can't hack it off like I wanted to just last night, so going another color I've never been seems like the only logical choice?

And I'm so pale, so many people have said I'd look terrible as a blond, but I had to wear a blond wig for a Dixie Chicks tribute song (Ready to Run, bitches!) and I swear I was more harassed once I put that darn wig on. And struggling actresses LOVE attention.

Is it because almost every gosh darn breakdown out there is looking for a BLOND?! Is it because Patty Roberts went back to her blond natural color and now I'm hankering for it too? Is going blond infectious?

I'm bored, I think. I want a drastic change.

Plus, if I went blond, and then red, I could go a very nice strawberry blond. Just ask Ashley. She's in the coloring biz world. In fact, maybe I should just ask her!


PetCo Print Ads, Starring TRACY!

My dear friend Phoenix just booked a PetCo print ad! I'm sharing the love! And Trace, if you've never been around gerbils before, they make really weird cooing noises.

Congrats, girl!

Monday, July 27, 2009

It's Done!

We finished our pick up shots for The Haunting of Winchester House technically this morning at 1:15am and Michael Holmes can now go cut his hair! When I wasn't staring at his chin, I would catch him twirling his long hair around his fingers, just like I do to mine when I'm bored, nervous, happy, or sad. And then I would make fun of him, just as any good friend would.

I walked into the Asylum's warehouse studio in Burbank, got into costume, noticed half of it was missing, alerted them someone would have to go to Target to buy new pants for me "for continuity," (which trust me, when you see the film, you will have fun picking apart where the film doesn't match or make sense. For instance, we never shot the bathtub scene where my character changes pants. So for no reason at all, Susan goes from jeans to yoga pants. And gets a bleeding wound on her arm from out of nowhere. Ahh, indie film making...)

When Tomas Boykin came onto set, he took a look at me and Michael and said, "It's so good to see you guys." And you know what? It really was! It was so great to see them both! We had so much fun during the exhausting, time-warping nocturnal shoot and I forgot just how much I liked them both when I wasn't around them for 12/24 hours for 12 days. And since we were all wearing our same costumes that we wear throughout the film (except for my never explained change of pants) it was like no time had passed! They are My Guys!

We were doing all our pickups, all the scenes we didn't get to, or coverage we never picked up, in front of a green screen, which the director will then have to compostite against stills of the house and...you know what? I really don't know how it's all gonna happen and work, but let me just say it's HOLLYWOOD MAGIC!
It was a bare bones crew. There was the director, Erica on script, a Production Assistant on slate, DB on whatever and another Production Assistant who left early. And us. And only one microphone. No makeup artist (I had to match a professional's work.) No sound op (hope the sound carried the other person who wasn't miked!) and no 3D camera. It was a regular camera. Will it match up? Hope so! We had to shoot the climax of the film this way. Hope it's good! Hope it makes sense! Oh man, how I hope everything comes together!

DB was all up in the director's grill about time until finally, the director was like, DB! We're gonna go over the ridiculous time limit you imposed for no good reason so that we can do what we came to do: finish the film. I was like, Fuck Yeah Director! Cause DB is 19, never went to film school and somehow didn't develop people skills.
Right before the Martini (the last shot of the day, cause "the next shot is in a glass!") the director asked us if we wanted a five minute break, and Michael said, no, let's DO this! And we did. I held him against my chest as he coughed non existant blood into my lap, scraping the heck out of my exposed skin above my tank top, and I cradled him as the ghost lady threw stuff at me that I had to duck under, with the fans whipping my hair in my face, with me screaming full force. And then We finished. We finished!

We Finished!

So go ahead! Reserve your copy on Netflix RIGHT NOW! I'm told there's going to be behind the scenes footage (uhm, nervous about that one. They caught me on a very scandolous rant that I'm hoping does NOT make it to the dvd extras) as well as director commentary and bloopers. It should be a really fun C horror movie.

In fact, it will be a really fun drinking game: Take a shot everytime someone yells the other's name.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

You Will Be Taken Advantage Of

Struggling actresses are an easy mark. We are. We so want to believe anything people tell us regarding our careers, that it's hard for us to be really objective and cautious. When certain things are said or done and Jiminy Cricket is nowhere to guide us, (and we'd probably ignore him anyways) a lot of us do stupid things. Take for instance, Scientology. They prey on actors and musicians in LA because they start out saying, "You Can Be Famous! as long as you pay for our classes and never leave"
Take for instance, psychics. One day, as my guy was looking for parking, some random person comes up to his passenger side window telling him "You're going to have a great year, a great year! Psychic reading, $20! You're an actor, right?!" Ha. No, he's not. But I know I would have fallen for that ploy and spent my $20 listening to tall tales that I really want to believe.

And it's the same way on set. Actors are the easiest ones to take advantage of. Case number one: No pay.
Now, I've produced our film where our budget was so ridiculously tiny, we didn't pay our actors. We didn't pay ourselves, but we did pay our crew. Actors we can do this to, because they WILL work for free. And they did get great reel material, and they have imdb credit, and can have their families netflix the movie and see it. Them donating their time and talent got them all that. But it's rare for a film that you're not getting paid on to actually go somewhere or do something, and oftentimes, if they don't have the money to pay their actors, they probably don't have the money to finish the film.
But if our actors didn't want to do that film for no pay, we would have found thousands more who would have.
(But there are also productions who say they can't pay you, or will pay you a decent small sum, and then you get your check, and you're like, wait a second. This is MORE than what we agreed on. And they'll just put their finger to their lips and wink. )

There's also a time when all actors must sit back, take a look at their resume, a look at their reel, a look at their training and say, you know what? I'm done acting for free. If you want me, you have to pay me now. And I self assessed and came to that conclusion a few years ago. It's extremely rare that I do anything for free. Extremely rare. And I've probably become a little snotty about it, but my time and talent is important to me. And if you want a good project, you have to be willing to pay for it. You could write the most amazing movie in the world, but if you have untrained actors in it, who's going to watch it? You get what you pay for.

But as an actor, you have to fight a lot to get that.

For instance. There's a guy I know, I'll call him Douche Bag, and he called me up the yesterday about pick up shots. Now, I've heard other people talk about DB and none of it was really all that favorable, so I wanted to make sure I had my own back. "I'm getting my same day rate, right?" "Yeah, yeah," he said. "You'll be getting your $75." "You mean $100." "You guys made $100?" Yes, DB, you put down the breakdown, you knew the rates, don't kid me on this. "Oh, I thought you guys all made $75. I'll have to talk to the producer about this."
He calls me up less than 5 minutes later and leaves a voicemail. "Yeah, sorry, I just talked to the producer and he said that because it's only going to be shooting for 4 hours instead of 12, that they're only offering $75."

Oh really? REALLY? You're telling me that you just talked to the producer who deals with actor day rates all the time, and that you got him on a saturday evening at dinnertime? And that's what he told you? You are a liar, DB.

And I am pissed.

"Whether I'm there for 12 hours or half an hour, I get the same rate. It's written in my contract, you can check it, but if I don't get my same rate," (which is only $25 more to them, but a huge principle to me) "then why should I show up?" I also mentioned how they were only giving me 26 hour notice for pick ups. There's this thing I like to do, called having a life, that I have a lot of fun with.

So of course, he emails me less than an hour later (when I told him to call) saying he can "work something out with [the] budget." Of course you can.

Don't you dare try and screw me out of agreed upon money because you're too lazy to check the contracts or get a producer on the phone.

And what really angers me about this is that I know a lot of other struggling actresses out there would have agreed to it.

Always get a copy of your contracts. ALWAYS. And if they say they're going to reimburse you, get that in writing! Take care of yourself cause no one else will.

Stay safe. Stay healthy. Stay happy. Stay acting. Stay Strong.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Summer Cleaning

The struggling actress in me NEVER THROWS ANYTHING AWAY. Until today. I'm summer cleaning and I found the proof sheets from my first headshot shoot from 2003. And Egads! Oh, all the mistakes I made, all the expen$ive mi$takes I was making. It's like I just up and threw away $500. So I'm going to relink Headshots 101 because it really does bear repeating.

Especially for you actors who are seeking or have gotten new representation and need new photos. And always rememeber to ask your agent to be super specific with what they want for your new pictues; they should know exactly what they need in order to sell you to get you those auditions. If they don't....well, the cycle of submissions should start again.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

I'm a Sophomore in College!

Or at least, that's what the manager I met with yesterday told me. Hey I don't mind! Put me on Melrose Place if I look so young! I'll ride that wave! I mean, that WAS my guilty pleasure while I was IN college, so hey, full circle.

The manager I met with said a lot of interesting things on his end about how he likes to manage his clients. And he's also the first person to tell me in a long time that I need new pictures, which I know I need, and can never understand why agent after agent says, no no! keep them! Whatevs.

He asked me who has my resume, meaning, what actress out there is doing my roles, and gosh darn you, strange but almost pretty Alyson Hannigan, YOU have the career I want. You're in weird movies, you were on a huge cult series ( i guess it being huge and cult is an oxymoron, yes?) and now you're strong supporting on a great hit show. AND you had a baby! Arrrgh! So want that woman's life....
And so when the manager was looking at my headshots spread out in front of him, he said I had no pictures to show that. And it's true, I don't.

One time, at band camp, oops, college, a professor had lined us all up and typed us. He went around all us ladies and pointed at Jen, "Leading lady," at Kristy "Best friend," at Julie "best friend," at the other Jen "best friend," and then he stopped at me. He took a deep breath, because, as an acting professor, even he got to be dramatic when the moment called for it. "You're both."
I exhaled. "Great," I said, not at all happy with that.
"No, this is a very good thing. You can be the leading lady or you can be the best friend. It's up to you on how you present yourself for each role." And as much as my very awkward adolescence wants me to believe I will forever be that less attractive "best friend," I play leading ladies more often than not. I mean, hey, I seem to have good bone structure in my face, and photoshop does wonders to make me look all awesome and modelesque, but it's almost startling to have all my pictures in front of someone who wants to sell my brand and talent to casting directors and producers to say, you don't have any pictures to get the career you want. He's right.

He typed my age to be 19-25, which is funny, because my agent believes I'm 25-35, which I have more trouble seeing.

What do you think? What's my age range?

(And this photo has not been retouched.)

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Happy Birthday Tracy!

My darling friend Phoenix's birthday came and went in the beginning of June, but we were JUST finally able to spend some time together due to our crazy hectic actor schedules! I was going to take her out for an ice cream, but it was just too hot. So I made her an ice cream cookie sandwich instead. She popped by after a print audition (we're so LA).

This was so easy! Take some cookies (I used store bought cookies, cause who feels like baking right now?)

Place one upside down.

Now take some softly melted ice cream (just buy some new stuff, and it will be of the perfect consistency just from the ride home).

Plop a scoop on top of the upside down cookie.

Top the other cookie.

And squuuuuuuish!


Now pop in a birthday candle on the side, and Happy 18-27th birthday!

(Cute, huh? Phoenix is shy!)

Pickled Green Beans

My mother was not the best cook by far; all our vegetables came out of a can and were microwaved without any seasonings, and let me tell you, do NOT ever try canned asparagus. Whoever thought it was a good idea probably smoked and had no taste buds or smoked and had the munchies so bad even horse manure would've done the trick. At any rate, we now have a fridge filled with fresh organic vegetables, which fills me with a bit of the dreads. I mean, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS STUFF?

You ever been to epicurious? It's a great site because 1) it's a pun! and 2) There are so many recipes with pictures and Reviews! People will go on and talk about what they altered, added, took away, etc, and when I searched for "green beans" I came up with a whole bunch of things to try. But pickled green beans sounded really good for a week where it's gonna be 100+degrees every day, so here:

1 pound green beans (or mix in some slim carrots to help make it that much. They are also good)
Boil water, toss the beans in blanching them for about a minute, then transfer to an ice bath.

In another pot, boil
1 1/4 c water
1 c cider vinegar (or a mix of them. i used 1/2 white and 1/2 red wine)
1/4 c sugar
2 garlic cloves, lightly crushed (i was out, so I sprinkled granulated garlic. still good!)
1 1/2 T dill
1 1/2 T salt.

Strain green beans out of cold bath and put into heat proof bowl. Pour vinegar mixture over it and refrigerate for at least an hour, overnight if possible.

Extremely good with sandwiches which are also easy to make on hot summer days. I'm a big fan of cucumber, tomato and mayo sammies as of late. In the brilliant words of JenniPatti,
it's like a love letter to my ass.

Monday, July 20, 2009


The web hosts a bevy of very informative articles in the acting world, and I have a few up my sleeve, one of them being Erin Cronican's acting blog. She's the founder and coach of The Actors' Enterprise and has been doing it for so long, that she has a sidebar to help you find the topics she's already dealt with. Have a question about the difference between agents and managers? She's covered it. Headshots? Been there, done that too, and all the information is super easy to find. She also has her own personal acting blog to follow her take on the whole acting world as well, but In New York! Oh, NYC! In case you didn't know, New York theatre is good. And LA theatre is usually quite bad, so our adventures, while similar, are still very very different.

In a recent column, she talks about establishing a fan base, and gives some pointers on how to do that. Fans help cheer you on, yes, but when your fans are also your close friends who offer you invaluable advice and support, well, it helps make your artistic endeavors seem like less of an uphill battle, or struggle, as it were.

Make friends with other actors. Befriend new actors and help cheerlead them along. Never see another actor as competition. That's now what good actors, heck, good PEOPLE do. Help, cheerlead, mentor. It will all come back to help you. I swear it.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Time For A Change

Have I ever mentioned how much I like Pink? No? Oh, well, I really like it. LIKE, THIS MUCH!

Have some fun checking out some other templates you too can choose from. You're welcome.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Well, Blow Me Over

So that meeting I had with the director below apparently DID go well because the producer called me yesterday to confirm my schedule and then offer me the role. Fantastic! I mean, check this shizz out; I was not able to go to the actual audition but was taken out to dinner and offered the role anyway! Ah, Hollywood, je t'aime.

I also hung out with my friend April the other day. Our friendship took some twists and turns in the last few years, mainly because of my schedule and lack of available times to get together with her and actually finish all the post production of the film that we did together, among other things. I mean, I hate to say it, but I basically left her high and dry, and if it wasn't for her tenacity and strength, "Junction" would still be sitting in two terabyte drives. And for a long while, I was trying to find the insults in the things she was saying to me, that probably, you know, didn't really exist, because I felt so embarrassed about how I had left everything to her. But I was finally able to mention what I thought was the huge elephant in the room. And apparently, there wasn't one! She didn't feel any resentment towards me; that she valued me for being her partner in the beginning and going through with it, when every one else pretty much laughed us off, sarcastically wishing us much luck. When I was parting ways (after 4 hours of catching up, all of it good) she asked me why I never addressed that issue earlier, and I said because I wasn't sure I was ready to hear what she had to say on it.
April and I (and phoenix!) put together an original female centric show which we wrote, produced and directed all ourselves, and sold out for our entire three night run (our school's first in its history) and we had proved to ourselves that we really can do anything as long as we have the support of one another, and that in life, one always needs at least one person to say, "Hey! You Really CAN Do This!" And April and I were exactly that until a few years ago. So yesterday was a really nice rekindling of a friendship with someone I have been absolutely fascinated with since 1999.

When I had mentioned that I had dropped my manager, something she had been asking me about for the last year, she told me that a manager she knows, who had come to a screening of Junction was looking for new clients and had specifically asked about me the other day, and that she had told him she didn't know if I was looking for representation, but that she was seeing me the next day and would let me know he was interested. She gave me his email, I submitted, and I have a meeting with him this upcoming Wednesday.

July is looking to be a pretty good month.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

He Wasn't Creepy! Yay!

So I met the director guy from the previous post last night at the CPK at Hollywood & Highland. Before he even shakes my hand he introduces himself and gives me yet another chance to bail. Which, you know, is strange. "Hi! I'm the guy you're meeting....You can still leave...." Very Eeyore.

At any rate, I assure him I'm not creeped out, and he offers to buy me dinner at the California Pizza Kitchen. (Oddly enough, neither of us had pizza. )

He's a nice guy. He told me that he had had the auditions last weekend, and so far, he's got two actresses he's thinking he could use. I ask him their names, because it's a small world, but I did not know either of them. We talk about the script, about his writing, about how my reel is a lot better compared to a lot of other reels he had looked at. I told him that I had sorta prepared the small monologue the character has when she reveals that her boyfriend was killed in a hit and run. So I kinda did it, at our table, with all the ambient noise a loud restaurant carries, with the loud talking and laughing of the tables next to us, and Kelly Clarkson howling how she does not hook up but goes slow. Very weird audition. He gives me some direction; basically, less sad, and faster, so I offer to do it again, and he said that was much better.

I probably shouldn't've offered to do the monologue at all. It was a very strange place to do it, hard to concentrate, hard all around, but I just didn't want to meet him with absolutely nothing but my somewhat sparkling personality. I mean, how effervescent could I really be, you know?
And I've actually done makeup-auditions before, where I couldn't make the original audition but was still seen anyways. And what always happens is that the director has already made their choice and I'm not going to swing them either way. It's hard to compare one person in a different setting to the rest who are all on tape, available to see and go over again and again with the click of a button. He told me that he was waiting to go over the tapes until after he had met me, and that he'd let me know either way. Not holding my breath.

But whatever. Nice guy. And the salad I had was really delicious.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

This Kinda Stuff Only Happens in the Movies

First off, I hate going to the gym. I don't like to sweat, and I don't like to be around sweaty people, but I make myself go and even half-ass it sometimes, because half an ass is better than none, especially if you're Sir Mix-a-Lot.
My gym has recently installed two flatscreen music video televisions, and every once in a while, "Pocketful of Sunshine," by Natasha Bedingfield comes on, and I always think it's really funny. I'm like, oh look! There I am! Oooh! There's my hand! Oh, there I am again!
I'm serious, check it out I'm at :08, 2:16, 2:21, and 2:24. I'm basically glorified background; when I auditioned (yes, I auditioned for that) the pay rate was quoted at $200, and then when they called me up booking me, they told me that it was now only $150. Bastards. And then I find out I'm hardly in the thing. I think too much was going on. You've got her at work, then dancing, then a grafitti artist, then a kid whose parents fight, and then her all calm on a lotus rising up into the sky. And that poor kid! He somehow made the jump onto that landing, and then she sings, "I'm awesome, I'm zen, I'm leaving troubled kids behind!" Why doesn't she take him with her!? And the food on that set. Quelle Disapointment! Craft service was a joke.
Completely the opposite for the Elton John "Heart of Every Girl" video I did several years ago. I played the guitar. And they gave me Veronica Lake hair! Interesting fun facts: The food was incredible! We were not allowed to speak to Elton John unless spoken to. He read the song lyrics off cue cards.
You can watch it if you want. I'm in quick flashes throughout. Yeah, go ahead. Go nuts.

Now, the really weird thing that only happens in movies:

I had submitted for a director's reel - a project that a director puts together to show what type of work he's capable of. When the producer called me up for a time slot, I was unavailable due to my best friend's nuptuals. Two days later, she calls me again. (the same day I dropped my manager) She said that the director really wanted to meet with me. That I had the look he was going for, that he was impressed with my resume (it's really not at all that impressive, but thanks!) and that he saw my reel and could see exactly what he needed from me on there.
Would I mind meeting with him?

Uhm...no! I wouldn't mind at all!

So tonight I'm going to be meeting him in the alley behind an empty warehouse downtown.

Oh, I kid, I kid.

Last night, I called up the producer and said, okay, I'm flattered, I truly am, but what gives? And she said that she was recommended to work with him by a friend she really trusts, that they've been working together for the last few months prepping for this shoot, and that he's married, with a kid, and totally nice. That he's an animator who's worked on some big movies and has some great connections, but when he mentions that he'd like to direct, everyone always asks to see his reel. Which is where I would come in. Sort of. She said just meeting with him doesn't guarantee me the role (which, whew! Thank god! This means they're business people and not really creepy.) but he doesn't want to miss out on meeting someone he thinks is perfect for his short film reel.

So I have a meeting with this guy (she warned me ahead of time that she's going to most likely be late if she can make it at all, and understood if I didn't want to even go) at 8pm at a CPK where there are tons of witnesses and video camera surveillance.

It's incredibly flattering to be wanted. I'll report back tomorrow with all the deets.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

So Weird.

Just received a call from the director's assistant that we're going to have to do another day of pickup shots (picking up some of the scenes we weren't able to get to, and filming them so that we can add it to the rest of the stuff we shot and have everything make sense. Make sense?) for the Haunting of Winchester House film. Want to know what else is funny? Finding this.

So yeah. Pre-order now, ya'll.


Thursday, July 9, 2009

Please Stop Yelling

I decided that I was going to let my manager go, for a variety of reasons I shall not get into here, but suffice it to say that if you're in business with me, when you yell, I shut off all the energy to take you seriously. I just stop. I'm able to float out of my body and watch it from above. This is what a lot of abuse survivors do - we are able to distance ourselves out of our self and just watch. Happened once in a side station at a restaurant with a very angry bartender, and it happened again today.

Do not yell. It makes you look unprofessional. When I ask you to stop yelling and you yell that it is ME who is yelling, I'm probably not going to believe you. The neighbors won't believe you either.

When you yell such things as :

or, my favorite

it's really hard to keep a straight face.

And it only validates my decision that leaving you was the best thing.

When I open the door to leave and you slam it shut to yell at me some more, sure, I'll let you yell at me some more. And when I ask, "will you let me leave your house now?" and you open the door to slam it very hard behind me, I am skipping down the steps, gaily getting into my car because yes, Releasing Myself From You Was A Very Smart Career Move.

Well, That Happened

So I go the audition below just for the sheer thrill of it all because it's taking place in a Restaurant in Van Nuys, which is just sketch, sketch, sketchy, but I thought, oh, why not.

I did my hair, added wings to my liquid eyeliner; I was rockabillied out! Fetching, one might say.

I get to the place, find the banquet anteroom and see the banquet room's door is slightly ajar. I creep up, because I'm sure someone's reading for the director, and wouldn't I just look the fool throwing them open announcing "I'm Here! Oh! And an asshole! Sorry!" So I creep up and watch. I see the director, the little guy next to him, and then I see the girl reading. Her hair is curled. Figures. Oh well. I try to eavesdrop but she's too quiet, so I sit on a chair and wait my turn.

When she leaves, the director comes out and sees me, and then says my name! Without having a list, or my headshot, so yay for that! I felt kinda famous, but really, I just felt happy that I still look like my headshots and that he recognized me from the one I had submitted to him.

I read.

It's always nice to have the casting director nod their head while you read. That's always a good sign. It's an even better sign to have them say, "would you mind reading these other pages?" It's a better sign, yup, but I read the entire script once and only studied my sides. He didn't ask me if I wanted some time with them. Note to self: ASK NEXT TIME. But I looked them over as quickly as I could (stupid. I should've ASKED FOR MORE TIME) and read them, trying to sound natural. It's all I could do.

They thanked me, and I left feeling pretty good. The role requires a boob to be popped out during the film and if I don't have to deal with that, then I'm still fine and still okay. Although I've been told they're perfect (the left one is bigger! shh!!) they really should just stay in my bra, you know?

Oooh! An Audition!

I am going out for:

ELLA: Attractive Female / 22 to 26 / 5'7' to 5'9' / Hair Length Medium to Long, Any Color but Black or Platinum Blonde Preferred / Fair Complexion / Subtle Rockabilly or Punk a Plus

So yeah, this little short wants to cast a LOOK. But I'm of the school that looks are secondary and talent is first. I really should drop out of this school of thinking cause really, I should know by now that that is Hollywood, and Image Is Everything!
They're also holding auditions in the banquet room of a restaurant, which, let's be completely honest here, one should never bother with. But I thought, well, it's only 4 miles away from me, and I get a chance to dress up.
Subtle rockabilly. Hmm. What does that mean? Well, here's my take on it: liquid eyeliner with wings, dark shadow in the crease of my eyes and I'm wearing a light pink lipstick, but I think I might dot it up with a little red. Oh, and my hair's straight and I tried to achieve that rockabilly bump thing, but damnit, straight hair is really hard to figure out.

I might even wear my new boots. Yeah! And fishnets! Yow! Jean jacket? YES! See? Halloween in July!
Oh, and PS: I'm so not 5'7-5'9. Why the height requirement? Will I be wearing a full body costume?

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Reviews, Indeed

It fills my heart with absolute joy to report that my dear friend Phoenix got a smashing review for her acting talents!

Hooray! Hooray! Share in our happiness!

Monday, July 6, 2009

You Lose Some, You Win Some

Let's talk reviews.

When I did theatre in college, our lovely school newspaper journalists wouldn't critique the performance, they'd summarize the play. Infuriating, right? You don't read a book review to find out what happens. If I'd only known....

All of a sudden, Junction is being written about. A lot. Now, having had enough time to "let it all go" in how I feel about my performance in the film, I can say that you know what? I have some really good scenes. And you know what else? There are some really bad ones in there too. There's one in particular that just makes me squish my face up in embarassment every time I have to watch it. But trust me, it could've been a lot worse. So, hats off to you, Ms Wade, for saving my ass and cutting some of those reallllly bad scenes.

And although I love my family, I can't take what they say about my performance seriously. My dad told me I was beautiful even in my extremely awkward phase, so everything I do onscreen is absolute magic to him. And you can find a few of his online reviews, bless his heart, and almost not see the nepotism in his glowing reviews of "Miss Kellerman." I love you Dad.

So when other people I don't know review the film, it weighs more. It weighs a lot more. When CSharp wrote "Kellerman is wooden at best. Sure she reads out the lines but in all honesty she portrays a character that you can neither identify, nor empathise with" I took that way too much to heart. Wooden? WOODEN?! I laugh in that movie! I cry in that movie! I'm not wooden! And sure, he had gone on to say, "It’s worth noting that the problem the supporting cast face is perhaps not entirely down to their acting talents – or lack of – but more down to the unimaginitive direction and the script itself." which kinda sorta makes up for it, but then slams the film back again, so you know, the whole thing smarted. And smarted a lot. Einsteinian, almost.

And I went to set that same day for the 3D film with a sad little emoticon drawn over my heart. Should I give this up? Aren't I tired of struggling? Of course, then the thought of WHAT THE EFF ELSE CAN I DO WITH MY COLLEGE DEGREE?!?! gives me acid reflux and I have to remember to calm down and think clearly. Don't let it bother you, I had to think to myself. You are good enough, I had to say to myself in the mirror (which works!). I mean, YOU'RE THE LEAD IN THIS FILM RIGHT NOW!

Later that same night, Jennifer Smart, a 12 year old who plays Annie Winchester in the movie, and Patty Roberts, 13, who plays my daughter, are giggling next to me at the Craft Services table (which you can pretty much always find me at). This was normal during the shoot, but they kept poking each other and saying, "you have to tell her!" "no, I can't!" "you have to!"
"What do you have to tell me?" I finally ask, mouth full of bbq potato chips.
They both come up to me, and Jen Smart says, "When I grow up, I want to be as good an actress as you are."
Once I picked myself up off the floor and dusted myself off, I stared right into her eyes and said, "Jen, you have no idea how much that means to me. Espeically today."

And a lot of people came to my ego rescue and said incredibly nice things to me. NC wrote to me "The only thing wooden about your performance was my physical reaction to watching it. HOTTY!" which I owe him a big fat kiss for, and DTaylor wrote "If critics didn't have negative trash to talk all of their reviews would be too light and fluffy for anyone to care about. Don't sweat it." Thanks guys!

But we're also mentioned here

JUNCTION (Celebrity Video) A troubled young woman (April Wade) discovers some dark family secrets from her incarcerated father and must wrestle with the decision of whether to expose, and eventually destroy them, or let sleeping dogs lie. Wade delivers a double-barreled performance as the unstable Michaela, and also wrote the screenplay with co-star Lira Kellerman (also excellent) and James Ryan. Assured direction by Neal Fradsham. Bonuses: Commentary by Wade and Kellerman; Photo gallery; Trailers. Widescreen. Dolby 2.0 mono.

See That? I'm ALSO EXCELLENT! Suck it CSharp!

So I guess even though you can't please every body, you CAN please a few. A few who aren't even related to you. And I guess the moral of the story is that it's really the most important thing to remember to always please yourself.

At least once a day if you're a guy.

[edit: I tried 3 times to reduce the above shouting font to no avail. Sorry.]

Sunday, July 5, 2009

You Can Do This

If I can hug you hard enough
with my arms
my legs
my heart,
then maybe
I see in you,
you will finally see
in yourself.

This Girl is BEAUTIFUL

Remember that role I was vying for, opposite famous tv star? The role of Grace?

I offered to do background for them for free because I love everyone involved, but then I went ahead and whoops, got cast in another film, making me unavailable to fulfill my commitment...at any rate, I was so curious to see which actress got the role. And after some sleuthing, finally found out!

It's Paula Rhodes! Look at her! She is gorgeous! And she's been working on a lot more stuff than me. I am so sure it's going to be such a good film. I can't wait to see it. I'll let you know what accolades it wins and when.

Happy 5th of July!

And to all my Youth Service Corps brothers and sisters in Fremont right now, picking up all the trash at Lake Elizabeth, I salute you.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Gay Marriage

As a struggling actress, I find myself working around gay people all the time. Homosexuals too. And I applaud your religious beliefs (or lack thereof) and am glad that you have them (or don't), however gay marriage is a civil rights issue. My friend DTaylor posted this, and I'd like to share it with you all.

Are You Kidding?

After reading aaaaaaaall of the below, I find that I will not be paid but have to pay the production company $20 to be a part of their pilot because they can't be sure the people they choose won't screw them in the end. So... No thanks! But best of luck to ya'll.

Coming To Hollywood



You have been selected for the second phase of the Coming2Hollywood Show.
a NEW concept reality show, that follows bright NEW talent as they take their careers into their own hands! Coming 2 Hollywood is the show that builds a following of millions for people who are ready to succeed and will not be stopped. Do YOU have what it takes to make it on Coming 2 Hollywood? The first step in finding out is how you answer this questionnaire. We want to know how you think. This is an easy questionnaire for you to fill out and return. We want to know more about you. Why you want to be on this show.

Watch our first show open sequence now at www.youtube.com/coming2hollywood

****** Copy and paste this questionnaire into your reply and
put your answers in the space after the question.
Please answer these questions as honestly as possible.
We are looking for 14 uniquely talented "Stars" to follow on their rise to Fame.
There are no wrong answers here, so please be as open as you can and show us your personality.

*NOTE* If you are selected for an audition you WILL be on the show.

Coming 2 Hollywood Questionnaire.

1. Do you stand out in a crowd?
2. Have you been on camera professionally?
3. What is your most impressive talent?
4. Do you have a unique image?
5. How much time do you spend a week working on your entertainment career?
6. What things do you do to promote your own career?
7. Are you comfortable being the center of attention?
8. What accomplishment are you most proud of?
9. Why do you want to be famous?
10. Have you won awards for your talent? If so, what are they?
11. What inspired you to come to follow the Hollywood dream?
12. What is the weirdest performing situation you have ever been in? Details please.
13. What ongoing training are you doing now? How does it help you? or not?
14. What are your limitations? What are you not willing to do on camera and for fame? Tell the truth. We are looking for real people.
15. How far can you go? What are you willing to do on camera for fame?
16. Why are you the right kind of person for this show?
17. Cast are required to go to at least one industry party/function during the pilot taping period. Are you able to attend? What kind of persona will you take on? Are you the talkative one, shy wall flower, life of the party? The drinker? The Nun?
18. What makes you think you are really ready for fame? Be candid here.
19. We will be going global with this show and need quality people who are ready for it.
Once you audition your career will start being followed by the production. Does having paparazzi at your doorstep scare you? If so Why?

20. Our production team will be filming you but there will be times when access to your personal life will be limited, for this reason we will need you to carry a camera from time to time and tape yourself in your home, trying on a new outfit. Cooking. Whatever it is that you do when you are alone that you want your fans to see.
Are you willing to let fans see you in personal moments?

The stars of the show will have their rise to fame documented, whether it be going to an audition, getting a new look, or taking an acting class.


C2H follows your rise to fame from the first moment you meet us. Parts of your audition will appear in our show. If you are selected for an audition, You will already be on the show. So don’t audition if you are not O.K. with that.

This audition process is the first step in finding out your level of commitment to your career.

This step is to document you so the public can see you begin your rise from the moment you were discovered to your ultimate fame. This is why we only want people who want to go to the top.
Our fans want to watch you rise. They want to feel that they were the ones to discover this new talent. They want to vote you onward and upward.

For the audition, we need you to come in and showcase your talent. Do your best performance. Best monologue. Best song, best baton twirl, best Mime act. Show your best self. You will then have a formal sit down interview with our producers. Tell us on camera, about your incredible talent and why you came to Hollywood. We are shooting you in a professional video studio in front of a green screen. So if you get selected for an audition, Please do not wear Green!!

We will take the footage and edit it down with Hollywood Locations behind you and special effects put in by our special effects department. We will give you the edited DVD and want you to put it on your personal myspace page or equivalent so Comming2Hollywood can befriend you and create this interconnected world with you and the other stars of the show.

You need to pay $20 to cover the administration and the editing of your DVD. Its peanuts because editing is a minimum of 25$ per hour, however that is the productions cost to bear. The reason you are paying $20 is because we need to know that you are not going to waste all of our time filming you, interviewing you and promoting you as being on our show and then you just run off with the DVD and we never see you again.
Just getting the DVD is worth the bucks any way so if you don’t follow through with the show, we wish you all the luck and you have a cool, flashy, video you can show to your friends and agents.
We want you to put your reel up everywhere you want to promote yourself IE: your myspace page, and to link to your profile that we make for you and any other site the show might take.
-You get to use this as a free reel which would normally cost you 100$+
- You are investing your time and $20 into your career. Its not a lot of money sure, but the time you put in will return to you many times over in publicity and much needed exposure. So it is well worth it.

See the show open sequence now at www.youtube.com/coming2hollywood

This is a reality show virtual pilot. There is no pay for the pilot. However we are doing a 10 episode pilot. Where we require 10-12 minutes of edited footage from each artist. We have a team of qualified editors to edit your footage down. We will take the best moments from your life and combine it with our music and effects.

So as it happens, Fame comes before Fortune. After the pilot 10 episodes are launched talent will be able to negotiate pay for future full length episodes, based on level of participation in the show. We will be basing the pay for talent on the AFTRA internet series agreement. When it gets to television we will follow the normal AFTRA rates for series regular in an episodic.

Coming2Hollywood will be the first reality show of its kind. It will be everywhere digital media is seen. Therefore you will be global. Where everyday people can follow your rise to fame.

Immediate release
This is why we need the right type of person. Fame is not for everyone. Everyone cannot handle a camera being poked in their faces while they eat sushi, or being asked how do you feel when your pants split up the back in public.
There will be a mixer event you need to attend. To meet the other stars and trade stories on camera.
When you are filming yourself, get up in the morning and tell us how you feel. Your fans want to know. You may feel like crap, but that’s what makes it interesting. The more interesting you are the better. Because it is your fans who are going to keep you on the show.

Please answer these Additional Questions

Are you the type of person who
A. Believes their bad morning breath should be documented?
B. Believes that if the world can only see them that it will revolve better?
C. Absolutely crave fame?
D. Will you pay the $20 admin fee for your video performance reel?
E. Will you commit to uploading your own video to your myspace page or equivalent and adding Coming2Hollywood as friends?
F. Will you attend at least one industry party and one scheduled mixer event?
G. Are you willing to sign a pre-release to commit to the show once it gets picked up on TV? (we don’t want to lose the people we have put all of this effort into following)
H. Will you promise to be as interesting as possible and allow yourself to be filmed even when you are In a bad mood? (especially when you are in a bad mood)

Please return this questionnaire and someone will get back to you once they have reviewed your answers. If you sound interesting, Casting will send you audition info including address dates and times.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Take Your Career To Where You Want To Go!

July is an Excellent month to submit to agencies. (Pilot season has lulled and there's a short break between episodics. A lot of agents have gotten rid of clients who weren't booking so they have a few openings now.) Get your half page cover letters highlighting recent jobs, your updated resume, and your headshot that looks like you all in a manila envelope and start submitting!

You can go to Sam French and pick up "The Agencies" book which has almost all the agencies listed as well as which agencies are looking for who (ethnic actors, biligual, kids, hip and trendy, etc) and submit away!

But wait! Don't forget your stamps! All the above weighs in at just over an ounce so the United States Postal Service will return all your submissions unless you slap $1.05 in postage on them. Yes, being an actor is costly, but why not get all your shizz done and then start off your July with a bang?

In the mean time, Happy Independence Day! Wave a flag and sparkler for me!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Gettin Stuff Done

Coming back home after two weeks on set, and then a short weekend trip, my apartment somehow grew dust and strange smells, which is odd considering I was only here to sleep. And occasionally bathe.

So this morning I got up, did some laundry, tried planning a meeting with a friend to get our careers back on track, took out the trash, cleaned the trash can, steamed a dress and saw two black bananas on the kitchen table. Black bananas only mean one thing: Time to make some banana bread!

I'm an experimental baker; if chocolate isn't already in it, I toss it in. And if chocolate is already in it, I'll toss in some peanut butter. And more chocolate. Have I ever mentioned how much I like chocolate?

At any rate, if you, like me, always have great intentions when buying a bunch of bananas, but are never able to follow through, don't worry. Have I got a recipe for you.

Starving Artist Banana Bread
Grease your loaf pan with spray butter, turn the oven to 350. Whisk together: 1 1/3 c flour 3/4 t salt 1/2 t baking soda 1/4 t baking powder in another smaller bowl, mix together: 5 1/3 T butter 2/3 c sugar It should have a consistency like brown sugar. Now blend everything together. It's gonna be thick. You'll be wondering what I'm up to. Lightly beat 2 eggs and toss in the mix and stir it all together. Now add in 2 mashed black bananas. You can add a small third one. The more bananas, the moister the bread. I like adding a cup chocolate chips here. You can do half peanut butter chips and half chocolate. I've even added a tablespoon of peanut butter, but don't recommend. You can swirl in some melted nutella if you want. Scrape everything into a loaf pan and bake for 50-60 minutes, until your fork comes out clean, BUT it also tastes really good undercooked too, salmonella be damned.

Now enjoy and starve no more.

Who Was I Really Fooling?

When I started this blog, I thought it'd be fun to be anonymous, as my plight and struggle is every waitress's plight and struggle in Los Angeles. The cliche IS true. We really ARE all actresses. But even though I have readers who like to follow me from audition and audition analysis, it's hard to reward my followers with my successes. What good is reading about someone you can't celebrate with?

Hi. My name is Lira Kellerman. I have curly hair. I make terrible first impressions. I keep incredibly amazing people close to me and my heart. I will be one of your biggest cheerleaders. I get excited very easily. I have an affinity for cockroach jewelry. I speak Italian like a two year old. I am a struggling actress.

I'm doing laundry RIGHT now!

My blog has been about acting since its inception, but good god, can anything be more boring? I'm going to be adding some other things - random musings, more pictures. And although Phoenix has thanked me for inspiring her, it really is the other way around. (and hey, T, where's your script?! Finish that now!)

So, just so's you know where I am in life, my best friend since we were 15 is getting married next Sunday, and I'm in the wedding party. I just got back from visiting her and her fiance, having a fantastic time helping her finish last minute touches. I got to see her parents (I am her mother's second daughter, she always says) and I got to see my parents, my sister, her twins who just turned 6, and am so happy to be returning next week to join in the matrimonial festivities.

In fact, when I was flying into Oakland on Sunday, I looked out the windows and saw that I was flying over Fremont, my hometown. I saw Ohlone College, then my alma mater, Mission San Jose High School, the house I grew up in, my best friend's mom's house, Lake Elizabeth, the central park I volunteered over 500 hours at, and when we landed, the cityscape of San Francisco. Although I've lived in Southern California for almost 11 years, the Bay Area and its people will always feel like home to me. It hella does.

At any rate, hi. Nice to meet you. Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Back on Normal Hours

I've got a few more pictures, a few more anecdotes to share. More to come. In the meantime, you can see our movie poster.

I'll also be coming out soon too. Get excited! This "anonymous" everywaitress will reveal her identity! Of course, for some of you sleuths out there, that wasn't too difficult to figure out.