"The label you give yourself cannot impact external forces that are not motivated by your own psychology or influenced by a third party's pre-existing consciousness of you. We are all presented with reasons to struggle which come from completely external forces; to pretend that one is not struggling is either arrogance or an admission of defeat. To admit that one is struggling is a sign and a source of strength." - Evan A. Baker

Friday, April 30, 2010

I Am My Hair Part 2

If I wash my hair more than three times a week, it gets cranky. It frizzes and flies in orbit around my head making me look like Gloria Gaynor. I have to be careful and leave in conditioner so that my hair dries in curls instead of frizz. I need to take care of my hair.

It's a process.

After I met with the manager who said, "I don't know what to do with you yet," I zoomed over to Brentwood to meet the writer director of a webseries who liked me. It was a callback-of-sorts. I didn't have to redo my sides, he merely wanted to meet with me to get to know me as a person and explain the project and his plans for it. It's called "Hollywood & Highland," and I had auditioned for the role of Sydney:

Run of series / Lead / Female / All Ethnicities / 18 - 24 years. Description: Sydney dreams of being a professional stand-up comedienne, but is currently limited to occasional performances at random open mic nights. To make ends meet, she works for a nutty director as his personal assistant. Sydney is perky and fun, but carries a quick witted sarcastic streak. Some would call her a pessimist but she prefers realist.
Project Synopsis: Six friends chase their dreams while surviving in the bizarre and dysfunctional city known as Hollywood. An actor, model, comedian, filmmaker, musician and novelist work a random assortment of menial jobs, while clinging to their creative passions -- the before side of "Entourage." It is a web based comedy series in the tradition of "Swingers" meets 'The Guild'.

When he had called asking me to meet with him, he told me it was between me and one other girl. I remember reading Beth Shea's lament over this because she feels more pressure, which is funny, because I feel victorious when people tell me this. I gots me a 50/50 shot at this! And with my hair personality, how could I not win book? I meet him at a Coffee Bean in his neighborhood and I'm still riding my post manager audition high. We sit and he tells me about the project, about the time commitment, about a lot of other cool things including how he's going to go about viral marketing the whole thing and he says a few things that make me feel pretty awesome inside.

"I had a clear cut picture of exactly what I wanted for this character and then you came in and blew us away." "Now I want to go back and change some things about the character to fit you better."

Whaaaa? I was SO awesome I changed the writer/directors idea of what he wanted for this role? The role he envisioned himself? And now he wants to REWRITE some of it to fit me better!? Rewrite a role!? FOR ME!?


And then the kicker.

"It's yours if you want it, and we'd be lucky to have you."

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What about the other girl?

"We know she could do it, but you are by far our top choice."

I Am My Hair! I Am Dirty Awesome!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I Am My Hair

I troll Craig's List. Every once in a while you can find something pretty good and I saw a posting that a management company was holding an open call for 0-28 year olds. After checking that they were a legitimate company, I headed over to their Beverly Hills office feeling extra fancy in my 60s inspired sheath dress that makes me feel like Joan Holloway in the most amazing way. The guy who whistled at me also appreciated my dress.

I arrive early, sign in, fill out the questionnaire and wait my turn.

I'm led to the room and meet the company's CEO. Lovely lady. She asks me a few basic questions (where you from, etc.) and I shine my personality like it's a new pair of patent leather shoes.

"Do you have a monologue?"


You are ALWAYS supposed to have a monologue in your back pocket. Two of them actually. Well, shit balls. I had thought the other day that I should pull one out and reacquaint myself, but I thought, oh, nah. If they wanted to have me do a monologue, they would've asked me to prepare one in the posting.                                                                                                                                   

This is Duh Actor 101. Always be prepared because you look awesome if they ask you and you have it. And that goes for everything. From monologues, to a headshot/resume/reel in your car. Or smartphone.

aaaanyways. I apologize, saying it's been so long since I'd been asked to do a monologue. Manager lady says no problem, opens her file cabinet and produces a scene from Days of Our Lives. I am to read Zoe, 17.

Seventeen! Eff yeah! Earlier, when she had referred to the sheet I had to fill out listing my age, she verified that I hadn't misprinted it. I replied that the last role I had booked was for a 22 year old. I don't tan or smoke, people! If you want to maintain a youthful appearance, I suggest you do the same.
And yes, I know she's just pulling me sides to pull me sides, but I still felt awesome that she pulled them for a 17 year old.

Here's another Duh Actor 101: VERIFY what you're reading. I should've said, "Oh, did you want me to do this character's monologue, or the entire sides? But I didn't. (Duh.) I only prepare the monologue in the sides. (Double Duh. Why am I so dumb?) When I go back into the room to read for her, I see that she's ready to read with me on the first page, and the monologue is on the second one.
"Are you reading with me?" I asked. "How else would we get through it?" I should mention this woman is extremely nice. I reply, "Oh! I'm sorry! I thought you meant for me to just do the monologue on the second page. Okay!"

I read with her. I am a bit nervous because of how silly I feel. This is shit I should know how to do. Seriously. And seriously, Lira, ask a freakin question if you're not sure! UGH!

"Stop. You're over acting."
"I am."
"Do it again."

Thank you! I take a quick second, say to myself, this is for a soap opera! soap operas are very serious! The scene was funny. The character was funny. I had to bring her down instead of up.

I finish the scene.

"You're very good."

We talk about hair. She loves my hair color! She loves my hair! She loves my headshot!

"I like you. I love your personality. But I don't know what to do with you yet." She's not saying it like I'm a lost cause. She's saying it like I'm a challenge she's going to win. She's thinking.

She looks at my other headshots ( I DID remember to bring those!) and picks out her favorite. This one.

"You are your hair. There is no one else out there who looks like you. You're quirky and fun and I need to see more picture of you like that." I agree.

"I need to see 15 more pictures of you like this, and I want a monologue that shows off your quirky, kooky personality."

Okay! Considering one of her clients was recently nominated for an Oscar, I'm going to do my damndest to give her what she wants. And bless her for being so upfront and honest. I AM my hair! Cute and fun with a little bit of dandruff edge.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

A Prayer for the Parking

We struggling actresses go from casting office to casting office with one thing in mind: Is there free parking nearby?

At Zydeco studios, in the Valley, with a huge parking lot, there are signs that yell: No Talent Parking! with a note taped to the door: IF YOU PARKED IN THIS LOT YOU WILL BE TOWED! NO TALENT PARKING!

Okay, okay, jeez. We get it.

So when you have an audition in Beverly Hills, and see this sign:

it hurts your head.

When I first came to LA, I accompanied a friend to a Scientologist mixer where some famous person spoke about parking and how if she just said, "Okay, I am going to find a great parking space!" she would! It's positive thinking to the Xenu-th degree.

May the parking fairies always be with you, may you always have dimes, nickels, and quarters, and may you never get your car towed from 4-7pm in anti-gridlock zones.

Affirmation at the Day Job

When I'm slinging hash at the ole Day Job, I get asked a lot if I do stand-up. "I'm standing up right now!" is my reply. I was once asked if I was trying out new material on one table. I wasn't. I was, like them,  also from the Bay Area and know its reputation.

I don't do stand up.

I'm funny, I'm witty. Doing stand up seems like starting all over again in another acting realm which is daunting and scary to me. I'm too chicken to do stand up.

A few nights ago, one guy said, "Whoever puts you in a sitcom is going to make a lot of money." When I was younger, I reveled in this stuff. People liked me! They really liked me! I used to work at Universal Citywalk where we got mostly tourists and I had to affirm for them that yes, every server in Los Angeles IS indeed an actor and they'd all laugh. But I'd also get a lot of "You're gonna make it!"s, a lot of, "You've got that 'it' factor!"s.

And lately, things sort of seem like maybe I'm on the cusp of starting to take off. I have already booked the same amount of projects as I did in 2009, and already made more money at it. It's not yet May. This is a big deal for me. They're all small projects, but work begets work. The more people know me, the more work I'll get.

It's awesome to keep getting affirmations at my job, but I want to jump from affirmations to people who say, "I'm in a position where I can help you," and "You're perfect for this project I'm producing," and how bout a "I want you as a series regular on my [MAJOR NETWORK SHOW HERE]" while we're at it.

I wish more casting directors ate where I worked.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Headshot Submissions Cost $1.05

Do you have beautiful skin (that is not Lira-pasty-white) like the lovely Brandi? Then submit to ABC's Casting Project where they pick actors to come in and do a showcase for them in front of all their casting folk. It's hard out there if you're an actor of color, so they do this every year!


BURBANK, CA 91521-4637

APRIL 26, 2010 - MAY 14, 2010

As part of its ongoing effort to discover and develop culturally and ethnically diverse talent and actors with disabilities, the Disney ABC Television Group's Casting Project will hold auditions for consideration for the ABC Talent Showcase.

ABC's Talent Showcase has established an industry standard in creating opportunities for talent, with the majority of participants being given the chance to audition for a variety of ABC (and other networks') pilots and ongoing programming.



Participants for the talent showcase must be at least 18 years old. Previous acting experience/training is required of all, but professional representation is not necessary. 

ABC will contact selected actors to schedule an audition.

ABC has a long-standing commitment to promoting diversity in the entertainment industry through a variety of projects administered by its Talent Development & Casting departments. The Casting Project offers an excellent opportunity for talent that might otherwise go unnoticed.

 I suggest you write on the envelope your type, for instance "18-25 Hispanic Female" etc. And if you speak foreign languages, be sure to have that on your special skills!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Being an Actress in LA

One has to be realistic with their body and what they can and can not play because of it. If your body looks like birthing babies is going to be the easiest job you'll have (let's say your measurements are 36-28-42), and you're still only 22 years old, you are not going to be the leading lady in any studio produced anything.

And because actresses have to constantly scrutinize our bodies to see if it will help us get work, we tend to have a little bit of body dysmorphia.

Enter Detox Cleanses.

I have had friends do these starvation liquid diets where you drink maple syrup cayenne lemonade for a week. One friend chronicled in detail how she felt (there was much dizziness and feeling weak) and the other did the "cleanse" for 2 weeks. When she was on her last few days, both Glow and I asked her if she was feeling all right. She had starved herself and her complexion looked dull, yellow, her eyes seemed sleepy, and she seemed extremely weak and labored. "Please eat something," we implored, "you look awful! We're really worried!"

My sister developed anorexia when I was away from college. Our home life was a bit bananas and once I left, the only stability she had in her life was what she could put in her body. She dropped down to a size 12, then a size 9. I came home during a break and thought she looked amazing. "Size 9 fits you perfectly! You look healthy! You look good!" I come home for the summer and she's now a size 3. A skeleton of what she used to look like. "I'm telling you this because I love you, but you are not pretty. Your cheeks are hollowed, your hips jut out. You look sickly. You looked better when you wore a size 9." She listened to me. She started eating again and got up to a size 7. After her kids, her body shrunk down again (did you know breastfeeding makes you burn 1,000 calories a day? Now add a twin...) and then her body gradually and naturally went back up to a size 9. A 9 is where her body wants to be. (Just like, no matter what, my body loves weighing 132 pounds and has for the last five years. )

Because I grew up watching my sister wither away into a walking skeleton, and because I'm in the business where young women are constantly fighting their bodies, I absolutely HATE the cleanse. If you want to detox, it's super easy - cut out the alcohol, caffeine and refined sugar. But still eat food! Our bodies are pretty amazing and they tell us when we're hungry so that we can fuel our organs, our systems, and most importantly, our brain!

Found this article today from the Daily Mail with scientists saying what I've believed for years:

The great detox myth: Millions of women swear by detoxing - but is it just an expensive waste of time?

By Claire Coleman
Last updated at 9:35 AM on 22nd April 2010

Summer is just around the corner, which means that glossy magazines will soon be stuffed with bikini diets and celebrities eulogising how they lost their baby weight by following an amazing detox plan.
While it seems these days the word detox can be applied to anything, most often it is used to describe fasts or cleanses. These can discourage solid foods and advocate subsisting on organic juices and, in some cases, dietary supplements and laxatives.
According to detox devotees, such extreme measures are necessary because of the 'toxic soup' we live in.
Woman holding apple and measuring tape
Quasi-starvation: These days the word detox can be applied to anything, most often it is used to describe fasts or cleanses
They insist the industrial revolution means even healthy choices, like fruit and veg, are laced with pesticides and toxins, which our bodies cannot process.
The theory behind this quasi-starvation is that it gives your overworked organs and digestive system a break, helps flush out these terrible toxins and will leave you with a clean temple of a body.
This means not only will you drop dress sizes in days, look years younger and think more clearly, but it is also claimed that it will make you healthier in the long term.
Indeed, the detox brigade has claimed that a whole host of illnesses, from depression and asthma to heart disease and even cancer, are the result of a buildup of terrible toxins.
And celebrity endorsement has seen the industry boom. Here, we debunk some of the most common detox myths...
When Beyonce shed 22lb in ten days after following the Master Cleanse (aka The Maple Syrup diet, as you drink up to 12 glasses a day of a maple syrup, lemon juice, water and cayenne pepper), sales of books on the subject rocketed.
Meanwhile, Gwyneth Paltrow's detox guru, Alejandro Junger, must be raking it in. His 21-day Clean detox programme involves having 'liquid meals' for breakfast and dinner and a light meal at lunch.
The kit he sells includes supplements and a manual and retails for £230 plus postage and packing. The problem is that there's very little scientific evidence to back up the claims made for detox diets, says Ursula Arens, a registered dietician and spokesperson for the British Dietetic Association.
Gwyneth Paltrow
Beyonce Knowles
Celebrity devotees: Gwyneth Paltrow and Beyonce are both fans of detoxing
'Dieticians are scientists, which means we like facts and definitions,' she says. 'The term detox doesn't mean anything. As a result, people can claim something detoxes you without having to prove it.
'These diets and supplements work by overinterpreting bits of data and putting them together to mislead consumers.' '
'It's ridiculous to think of your digestive system and your colon as a purification plant or a sewer that needs to have its pipes flushed through and a holiday,' says Ursula Arens.
'The body actually has a massive overcapacity to dispose of toxins. 'As for the need to cleanse the colon, it is constantly cleansing itself by renewing the mucus layer that protects the colon wall from being exposed to toxins. So, flushing pints of water through it with things like colonic irrigation is one of the more damaging things you can do to it.'

'Almost anything can be toxic in a high enough dose,' says Ursula Arens, 'but the body has an amazing capacity to deal with this. 'If there's something that the body perceives as toxic, the liver will get rid of it and if the toxin is water-soluble waste, it's excreted via the kidneys.
'But if it's fat soluble - and many of the toxins that concern the healthy living brigade are - it cannot be excreted and is stored in the body's fat reserves.
'This means no amount of water can remove it from the body.'
'If you're starving yourself for anything from four to 14 days, of course you're going to lose weight,' says Ursula Arens.
'But as on any diet, if you cut your calorie intake, the first thing you lose is not fat, but stored glycogen, which binds to water, so you do appear to lose a lot of weight fast.'
However, after a few days you will then begin to burn fat and muscle mass. As your metabolic rate (the speed at which your body burns calories) is roughly related to your muscle mass, this can slow down as you lose muscle. The result? Post detox, when you start eating normally, you could gain more weight than you lost.
Healthy option: 'If you replace alcohol with herbal tea, it's not surprising that your skin will look clearer
Healthy option: 'If you replace alcohol with herbal tea, it's not surprising that your skin will look clearer
'If you usually drink a lot of alcohol and you stop and start drinking herbal tea, mineral water and fruit juice, it's not surprising that your skin will look clearer and healthier,' says Ursula Arens.
'But, in the long term, if your body isn't getting the nutrients and essential fats that healthy skin needs, your complexion will suffer. 'Funny that they never tout wrinkles as a possible side-effect.'
'This sort of anecdotal evidence is hard to argue with,' says Ursula Arens. 'One person might say they feel great on a detox, but another might say they feel awful.'
It's certainly true that if you're starving yourself you may feel light-headed.
Some experts say the reason people on extreme cleanses feel euphoric is that it's a signal of starvation.
'Starvation can trigger the release of endorphins as the body tries to protect itself. Do you want to be so close to starvation that your body thinks it needs to try to distract you from death?'
'Yes caffeine is a proven stimulant, but in most people it's not a problem,' says Ursula Arens.
'If you don't drink coffee but you suddenly have ten espressos, then you're not going to sleep and you may get heart palpitations.
'But the concentration of caffeine in the drinks we consume in the UK means that drinking two cups of tea in the morning and a cup of coffee in the afternoon isn't going to have a negative diuretic or stimulant effect.
'The claims for the benefits of not drinking caffeine are simply unproven.'
While there are studies which suggest eating fruit and vegetables is associated with lower risk factors for some diseases, a quick detox cannot claim the same.
'It's impossible to judge the effect of short term detoxing among an entire lifetime of behaviour,' says Ursula Arens.
'The studies that have looked at diet and disease are very broad. Nowhere does it say that drinking carrot juice for a week reduces the likelihood of you getting cancer.'

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The New Girl on The Blog

I just found out that fellow college classmate [from just a few short years ago (hack, cough!)] Julie just had a baby boy and Kylie just announced her pregnancy.

Friend Megan just got engaged.

My two cousins are getting married this year within two months of each other. They are both younger than me.

When I had dinner with my Aunt the other night, she sighed that everyone seems to be dying. Not to worry, Aunt Sira, everyone over here is pregnant. Or getting married so they can get pregnant.


My BFF Sarah (I was a bridesmaid in her wedding last year (sigh)) who received Teacher of the Year and her pink slip on the Very Same Day, has some more free time on her hands, and has noticed the same thing I did: we are not pregnant. And perhaps we want to be.

Meet Lady Blah Blah (Another indication of why we've been friends for 15 years is her same love of puns!)

Root her on. She's a dang funny lady. And she should be teaching your kids. But she can't cause of the state budget crisis! Root for her. Cheer for her. She needs it.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Waning and Waxing

Remember when I freaked out about possibly having to rip out hair down there for a hair up there show with bikinis on the runway? Well, crisis AVERTED!

Check out the cute bikini I got! And look how much it covers!!

It covers all the bits I was nervous about having to do terrible things to, while also covering cellulite in the back! The skirt actually comes down at the perfect point so that my legs still look muscular! Hooray!

I think my guy said it best: For a swimsuit, it's pretty conservative, but for an outfit, it's perfectly slutty!

I probably should've gone with a size smaller than I got, but hey, that means I can eat more and still fit into it! Super cute, and super coverage means I'm super happy!

Monday, April 19, 2010

Actress at Work

When I arrived on set at 6am, the breakfast truck was already there and catering had been set up. I could have anything I wanted! I LOVE sets with good food! There was lox and bagels on the table (being half Jew, this always makes me giddy) but I absolutely could not pass up a breakfast burrito (with avocado and bacon!) I think it's a rite of passage into the adult world when you glorify everything you ate at an event.

I ask the 2nd AD for a copy of the call sheet as I had never gotten one. His eyes widen. "You never got one?" I had replied that I was called with my call time and the name of the shop we were shooting at, and the name of the place I was to park at, but never got a call sheet emailed to me.  It was lucky I lived in the local area and had a brain cell to google addresses, so I was on time and ready to go. Oddly enough, this started me off on a fantastic foot; I was resourceful enough to get where I had to be at the correct time to not eff the production team and make them look bad in front of their clients, who were also at the shoot. The producer and director of the shoot were extremely thankful. That one small oversight could've cost them a ton of money and their reputation. So, lesson to all actors out there: Be resourceful! Mistakes happen all the time.

I hop in the makeup trailer when the makeup artist is ready for me and she comments how young I look. After she's finished, she judges her work. "Makeup really ages you," she said. Ha!

My glasses are super cute! Purple! Rented from Old Focals in Old Towne Pasadena. Costume designer Tira (yes, we rhymed) picked out three pairs for me to try, and they were all awesome. Definitely going to go there when I buy new frames.

Don't I totally look like I own my own baby boutique?

This is one of the few shoots where I really LOVED my outfit. So, yay Tira Howard! Thank you!

I wish I took more pictures to show you guys, as the baby store was just so super cute. The production designers went all out making the store pop with color and fun bright colors and butterfly mobiles. I just hate taking pictures when I'm on set and need to be available the minute they need me.

At lunch (seared ahi tuna!!) I sat with the director and producer, as we had been shooting the shit the entire time I had downtime, and the producer asked if I would like to be part of the short both he and the writer wrote together. YES! He broke it down for me. I'd be the lead. Well, me and a MUPPET. (!!!) And the story is pure awesomeness. Once they get financing he'll call me. (See? Being resourceful earlier really did help!)

After I wrapped, I called my agent seeing if the casting directors for the audition I had that day would still see me. They would! I drove home, changed outfits and dashed off to my HBO promo audition.  I felt so Hollywood.

No wait. I felt so Working Actress. 


Friday, April 16, 2010

I'm Talking to You, Tina Fey

Twice on set today, the clients stopped me to remark just how much I look like Tina Fey. They were so happy they could get her doppelganger so cheap! Tina has a scar on her face, I have a mole on my ear. Seriously. It's like we're related. So I thought, you know what? Why not capitalize off her fame? I deserve it simply because of our similarity.


And so, My open letter to Tina Fey:

Dear Tina,

Picture this: Liz Lemon has a sister. In fact, while Liz's sister, Alice (I know you like that name!), visits her, Liz gets really sick and sends Alice to work at 30 Rock in her stead. No one notices the difference, and all find themselves strangely attracted to Alice and kinda freak out about it. Except for Kenneth, who is sure that the younger Alice is a new pop star ready to steal Liz's place, just like  Lady Gaga stole Madonna's. And of course Jack and Alice hit it off and sleep together.  It was so great, of course, that Jack promotes who he thinks is Liz to Governor of General Electric. When the real Liz comes back, however, she resigns from her new position, as she had never entered a beauty pageant and felt under-qualified. Jack assures her that it takes no skills to be Governor and that he had actually promoted her to be his Governess, who must wear leather and whip him every Sunday at 4. Liz is oddly okay with that as any and all dental work is free with her promotion. Jenna, jealous of Liz's earlier popularity, comes back from the plastic surgeon's as Heidi Montag.

Wanna do this?

Have your people call my people.


PS How am I PALER than you!?

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Pubic Safety

Sometimes Craig's List is filled with actual, good paying gigs. Sometimes it's a place for perverts to troll around looking for unsuspecting, beautiful naifs.

I saw an ad looking for Fit Models. A fit model is someone who a clothing company will hire, and based on their measurements, fit all their clothes to them, which then becomes the standard fit. It's a gig that pays excellent money (most pay at least 75-150/hour) but one HAS to be at least 5'7. I'm 5'5.

Female fit models, (this does not refer to fitness models, but models for fit design) size 0-14 needed for fashion design work. Experience not necessary. The work would average about 5-7 hours a week and I pay $65 an hour- paid at the
time you do the work. This would be consistent work. 

Flag 1: The ad said it was looking for all models, ranging from size 0-14.

Flag 2: No height requirement.

But whatevs. What do I really know about this stuff anyway?

I submit to them. (Most clothing designers hire their fit models from reputable modeling agencies.)

I get a response!

Thank you for being kind enough to respond. Have you done this type of work before?
We do fashion design for females and do everything from designer to causal, jeans, sport, swimwear, lingerie, bras, panties and specialty items. We are looking for models that can do a little of everything and we can set you on a very consistent schedule to an inconsistent schedule. We pay you on the day that you do the work and our general work schedule is 10am to 9pm, 7 days a week. You will also get many free fashions after the designs are done. Please indicate your interests and we will follow with a questionnaire.
 Hmmm. Do you smell that? Smells like salmon. 1) Why wouldn't they want someone with experience, 2) lingerie, bras, panties and "specialty items"? What other types of clothes are there that they didn't mention? 3) Is he running a sweatshop? 4) His email is not company based, which is always a Gigantic Red Flag. It's some random free email service AND when I google the clothing company he says he's CEO of, nothing comes up. HUMONGO RED FLAG. I google his name. Nothing. So, in conclusion, this guy is probably a perv.

But I follow with an overeager, "I'll do anything!" just want to see this questionnaire. And, it is just as awesome as I had hoped it would be. See if anything unusual jumps out at you:

Please answer the below question as best as you can.

1. Height
2. Weight
3. Breast size
4. Waist size
5. Hip size
6. Long waist or short waist
7. Puffy-pouty pubic lips or more normal?
8. Defined mid-section bone structure (hip joints, pelvic bones)
9. Hip size
10. Long legs, short legs relevant to your height.
11. Age
12. Best feature (your opinion) from head to toe
13. Feature you would most want to change
14. Feature you get the most positive comments on
15. Feature you are most sensitive or shy about

a.  Shirt/blouse
b.  Pants
c.  Dress
d.  Bra
e.  Panty
f.  Shoe
g.  Jean

That should do it for now and I will be back to you after your return
email and we will  arrange for a phone conversation and go from there..

Hello Number 7. What the eff are you doing here? 5 and 9, you're the same! And what the heck is 12-15 doing there!? And excuse me, but why the "Sizes" sub category! As a designer, you should know that if you have all my measurements, you have my sizes, and that sizes change by designer and company anyways. I mean, come on. Those are not reputable or even smart questions!
And my favorite, "we will arrange for a phone conversation to go from there."

Yes. He wants to know how you're going to look in his head as he talks to you on the phone about your puffy/pouty or more "normal" public lips and talk about what you're most sensitive about so you're vulnerable while he's jerking off.

Now, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe perverts don't go to this sort of length, but if he's posting on Craig's List, HUNDREDS of girls are sending him their pictures in order to get this gig and hundreds are going to fill out that ridic questionnaire. Maybe this is a guy with a start up company who doesn't know a thing about creating an online presence. But I doubt that. I think he's a pervert. "Puffy-pouty or more normal?" cracks me up every time I read it. I know where you're going with that, buddy.

And in other pubic affairs,

I booked that hair show the other day and learned that all the models are going to be walking the runway in white. bikinis.

So great. The hair on top of my head will be cut and styled, while I have to have the hair down under ripped out a few days prior.

I know absolutely nothing about female hedgery, so if you're an aesthetician, or have gone to one since you were in college, I need to know ALL I CAN. I've heard the first time you wax you are susceptible to ingrown hairs and the like, so what do I, as a first timer NEED to know?

Kristin - You're a profesh model who's walked the NY Fashion week - Got any tips?

And sorry for all my personal TMI, but guess what! This is going to be a write-off for me! Which almost makes it worth it.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The Lord Giveth, And the Lord Taketh Away

And then Giveths some more.

What a whirlwind yesterday was!

I get to my callback for Charter Business and finally see when the shoot dates are. This weekend. Even if I book it, I can't do it because we're shooting the pitch presentation this weekend! I thought about leaving but figured, eh, whatever and stayed. 

I arrived at work a full hour earlier than I was scheduled. (Whoopsies!) So on my way to kill time at the shoe store at the end of the mall, I checked my email on my smart phone. The last couple of days, I'd been hustling on Craig's List and I noticed a familiar hair care company was looking for models. I submitted to them saying I worked with them a few years ago and would love to work with them again. In my inbox was an email saying that of course they remembered me and they wanted to book me for their show. Hooray!

I tried on fancy shoes.
This was my favorite. And cheap! Under $50! Did not purchase. Felt taking a photo would suffice. Cute, though, huh?

Then I got a call from the director of the pilot  presentation we are filming this weekend. It was being postponed. Indefinitely.


Then I get an email from my agent. It reads: You're on avail for Charter Business.

Now, being "on avail" means that you are one of the possible 3 people they have picked for the same role. They have their top choice, their second, and sometimes a third. So if you are on avail, it means you need to clear your schedule in case you book it. You Have NOT booked it yet. I was very happy to receive the news, but anxious, as dear friend JenIsBetterThanAndreaAnders has been put on avail and Released (!) seven times. Yes. SEVEN.

I call up Antne and tell him to cross all his fingers and toes that I book this. It's a non-union buyout commercial which means they get to use my likeness for up to 3 years for one flat fee (no residuals) and it's not that much money, but it's enough money for me to pay for a cheap cute pair of shoes! He says he'll even cross his tongue. "I love you," I said, "Iw wu wo woo." he replied back.

I got the call just an hour ago that my on avail status has been updated to booked.

So yes, the Lord gaveth me a hair fashion show and then the Lord tooketh away my pilot presentation, but the Lord then gaveth me a commercial instead.


Monday, April 12, 2010

Aw, Shoot!

A couple of things have been fun the last few days:

I did voice over for two pig characters last monday, and then yesterday, I did some ADR for a short I shot with my friends last summer. Perrywinkle, who directed it, is friends with a lot of awesome people, and I got to rerecord my lines in a fancy schmancy Foley room. Normally, I'm in a teensy little booth, surrounded by noise reducing foam, but this time, man! Huge room with lots of different things to make noise. There were chain links, several different squeaky chairs, and the floor was seperated into 4x4 blocks of concrete (3 of which were different cement grades which give different sounds when walked on, for instance, the difference of walking on a street versus a sidewalk), floorboards with space underneath (to sound like an apartment floor) and even a dirt patch. All I wanted to do was walk on the different floor patches and hit and bang on things, like a little kid at an interactive museum.

I had my earphones on and got to see the short for the first time. I was able to see and hear myself acting in the film and then recorded my lines again.

ADR can pretty much make or break you as an actor too. You might be amazing in the scene when it's actually shot; the emotions you need to get to, you got to and everything's awesome, but if the sound needs to be redone and you don't match it to what it was when it was shot the first time, it doesn't match. You could be really crying in the film part, but if you don't cry in the ADR booth to match it, and only fake it, it doesn't match and it's unbelievable. The audience will see it and think you suck and instead of following the movie and what's going on, now look you up on imdb and trash you with things like, "Yo! Um...You Can't Act!"

So! If you need some time to get to the point of tears in the Foley room to match the tears of you holding the teddy bear in the film, TAKE YOUR TIME to get there! The Sound Mixers know you're an actor. They work with them all the time. So Take Your Time.

We are finally going to shoot the pitch presentation that I booked last month!

What is a pitch presentation, you ask? Well, let me tell you!
For this one in particular, two writers came together and came up with an idea for a television series. They wrote the pilot and the first season episodes, and have storylines for the next couple of seasons. They found a director and producer to come on board and help make a small version of the pilot episode, about 5-7 minutes or so, and the producer and director started casting. I was cast and this week we're going to film those 5-7 minutes, which is basically going to give you a taste of who these characters are, what they want, and the obstacles that are in their way.  Once that is shot and edited, the director and producer are going to go to pitch meetings with a few networks where they will try to sell the show. Several things can happen from this point: The Networks can say, "We love it! We want to make it! Put it on our production schedule with those same actors you cast cause they're awesome!" or "We love it! We want to make it! Put it on our production schedule with Rumor Willis instead of that Lira girl!" or "We like it, but we're going to pay you out so we can change everything about it so that it's a former shell of what you originally created!" [Read the book Wicked and then see the musical Wicked to get an idea of how that works.] or "We kinda like it, here's some changes we'd like to see made, come back when that's done" or "We kinda like it, here's some changes we'd like to see made, and here's some money to make a full pilot." or "We don't like it, what else you got?" or "Get out of our office."
And that's just a few of the possible outcomes!

We have a tentative costume fitting on Wednesday and I'm excited to see what's pulled for this character I'm playing. She's a 22 year old hipster in Los Feliz and her wardrobe is going to be super hip.

Who doesn't like playing dress up after a long week, you know?

Saturday, April 10, 2010

AM I Real?

B. R. sent you a message.

B. R. April 11, 2010 at 12:42am
(no subject)
hi there' hope you are real. im not sure if this is really you. irregardless, you may add me if you're real but if not then, just don't add me. we could talk online if you're real . thanks....

The person who sent me the above friend request lives in the Phillipines, where a really bad movie I was in got distribution. To this person, I suppose I am famous, but really, what a great thing to philosophize today.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

One Simple Sentence

Went out for AT&T today, (shout out to follower Beth Shea, also auditioning for the role) and while there, saw follower Liesel Hlista! She was in a show I co-wrote two years ago (hack, cough!) while we were still in college. Liesel is one of the most freakin beautiful girls I've ever seen, and has the heart of a woman with 200 children. Seriously, she is the sweetest.

But this is not about the audition today. It's about my voice over work yesterday.

My writing partner Dan Lawson got me a voice over gig for MightyBooks, animated educational stories. I played pig newscaster Diane Sowyer (a pun! Love it!) and pig mom Earline. So much fun. With voice overs, you really have to stress your words and vary your pitch all in the same sentence. Or, to paraphrase The Man of 1,000 Voices, each sentence is a new thought, said completely different from the sentence before it, which is completely different from the sentence ahead of it.

That's fantastic advice if you're an actor considering voice over work. More important than that, however, was something he had told me before we recorded. One simple sentence has been lifting my spirits all this week when all I've wanted to do was sulk face down in my bed.

Surround yourself with people who love and support you, so they can say this same thing to you.

And then, believe it yourself.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Not Hot, Lukewarm

As a commercial actress, you have to look at yourself as a product that can sell things, and you need to be honest with how you look and what type of things people like you can sell. You don't have to look like Megan Fox to make money. You can be a little unconventional, with a few extra pounds and still be a very successful working commercial actress. In fact, Secret Agent on Twitter said that they're seeing a ton of those exact types getting called in and booking.

I got called in for a Chemistry.com commercial, as the female dater. Here's the type they're looking for:

Couples should look hip, but not trendy. They should be 7's and 8's, not 9's and 10's. We're not looking for beer commercial attractive, we want interesting attractive.
I'm interesting attractive! I can't sell you Bud Lite, but I can sell the heck out of an online dating site, because we all know how unattractive you must be to have to resort to finding love online!

Ohhhh, that's funny cause it's true. I met the love of my life online. But I'd call him a 9.5. He can't sell online dating sites.

But I can.

Wish me luck. Audition's on Monday.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

April Fools

My parents are a wacky bunch (my dad misspelled my name, my mom had her own tarot card business) and when they decided to get hitched, they chose April 1st as their wedding date. Cute, right?

That's pretty much the only cute thing about April Fool's Day. 

Except, even Breakdowns has a sense of humor, as proved on the "real" casting breakdown posted today:

Thursday, Apr. 1, 2010, 10:30 AM PacificSTREEPTOPUS
Feature Film
SAG Ultra Ultra Low Budget

Director: Alan Smithee
Casting Director: Gill Bonnett
Start Date: 4/1/2010
Location: Raleigh NC, Chicago, Atlanta, Driftwood TX, Tulsa OK, Gold Beach, OR
Rate: Based on Client's Starmeter 

"MERYL STREEP": CAST (MERYL STREEP / MERYL STREEP'S STUNTWOMAN): Ms. Streep has agreed to star in this low budget classic to prove that a truly great Actress can shine in anything! We applaud Ms. Streep for her courage and fortitude.

NOTE: This project is being shot in the experimental 4D process that outshines anything 3D offers.

Sides are attached to SELECTED available roles, actors are encouraged to tape themselves and email scene to apfoo@breakdownservices.com for consideration.


A helicopter pilot, 40s, this rugged, world-weary, tough-minded mercenary aviator ferries Mixed Martial Artists to the island for their deadly battles; he's cold to Meryl Streep because he's still carrying a torch for Ethel Merman -- whom Meryl killed in the ring last year. After a giant octopus attacks the island, his core of inner bravery transcends his facade of cynicism, and he repeatedly risks his life to kill the spectacular tentacular monstrosity...LEAD; PROTOTYPE: Eric Roberts in Sardonic Good Guy Mode

40s, this billionaire villain has looted the hedge funds of his fellow plutocrats, and now lives in palatial seclusion on an island off North Korea with his feuding mistresses, Madonna and Lady Gaga. Convinced that no subpoena can touch him, he's the suavely duplicitous host of the Ultimate MMA contest -- but when the octopus attacks, he learns that in this world, no bloodsucker is safe...LEAD. PROTOTYPE: Eric Roberts in Slick Rich Asshole Mode. Must work with Brylcreem.

40s, this brilliant (but quite mad) scientist is a master of recombinant DNA, and has used his skills to reshape the bodies of a variety of Mixed Martial Artists into the spitting images of long-dead movie stars. Overly fond of old Warner Brothers classics, the twitchy, emotionally disturbed Neurotico has a little side experiment: creating the world's biggest octopus. Convinced that the coveted Nobel Prize for Mad Science is well within his grasp, Neurotico babbles and sneers as his monstrosity escapes from its too-small aquarium and grows to the size of the Chrysler Building...LEAD. PROTOTYPE: Have you figured out yet that we love Eric Roberts but he won't return our calls?

35 to 40, this remarkably gifted Mixed Martial Artist has been resculpted into the image of William Shatner as he appeared in "Kingdom Of The Spiders." Full of himself, fond of taking odd -- pauses, he must fight opposite Meryl Streep, first in the ring, and later to help destroy a giant octopus that feeds on ham...LEAD. PROTOTYPE: A middle-aged Chris Pine

40s, the greatest actress of the 20th, 21st AND 22nd Century, and willing to kill anyone who doesn't agree with that opinion, she is Meryl Streep's hated rival. A powerhouse actress with big eyes, big eyebrows and big shoulders (and able to ACT with all of them!), Joan is a chain-smoker and a heavy drinker who wants to claw Meryl's eyes out and is convinced that the giant
octopus is a dirty rotten scene-stealer...LEAD. PROTOTYPES: Patti Lupone, Nathan Lane.
50s to 60s, the former President of the United States, rueful with a winning smile and an endless supply of industry anecdotes, and a darn good Mixed Martial Artist to boot, he's yet another long-dead Warner Brothers contract player whose DNA has been brought back from the dead; he's sent into the ring to fight for his life against "Martin Sheen." Who do YOU think wins?...LEAD

Male and female, 8 to 80. Willing to appear as recombinant DNA versions of themselves, only 90 years in the future...CAMEOS

You think you're Mildred Pierce? Let's put you in the ring with Joan Crawford and we'll see who's Mildred Pierce, MISSY!...1 really short, brutally violent scene involving wire hangers

Still in love with Meryl from "Bridges Of Madison County." Hates octopi. Just hates 'em. Likes to blow their heads clean off...

STORY LINE: In the amazing future world of 2100, mad scientist DR. NEUROTICO uses both plastic surgery and recombinant DNA to morph together the bodies of the world's greatest Mixed Martial Artists with the faces of great movie stars of the past. Reigning champion "Meryl Streep" travels to an isolated island off the coast of North Korea to compete in this year's Combat To The Death -- but Meryl gets more than she bargained for when a gigantic octopus surfaces just offshore! Together with a ragtag army of movie star lookalikes, Meryl must fight to save her life -- and the life of all humanity!...