"The label you give yourself cannot impact external forces that are not motivated by your own psychology or influenced by a third party's pre-existing consciousness of you. We are all presented with reasons to struggle which come from completely external forces; to pretend that one is not struggling is either arrogance or an admission of defeat. To admit that one is struggling is a sign and a source of strength." - Evan A. Baker

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Waiting [Tables] for Your Big Break

Leading Lady LA and I share a few things in common. Guess what they are! Yes! We're both actresses, and we're both waiting tables. We are your standard Hollywood Cliches.

She recently wrote an article about what your servers really think when you dine out, and I'd like to add it:

90% of "nice waiters" are big fat fakers. Unless we find you attractive...we most likely dislike you on site, especially if you are needy. [This makes me laugh, or maybe I'm just naive, but for the most part, I like my tables right off. I'm looking for some people to laugh with, to entertain, so I'm nice and funny to you because I'm nice and funny. Now, LL might not have the room to jest and joke with her guests because her restaurant could be fine dining and she's not allowed to have any personality, so she doesn't get to enjoy it, but for the most part, if you're in my section, we will like each other. And yes, if you're extremely needy, (meaning tons of modifications on a simple item, where we have to go back to the kitchen to tell the chef in detail) we will not like you as much. But that goes for any worker anywhere.]

-We don't care if you have been coming for years and years. We HATE when you tell us you have been. We aren't impressed that you consider yourself a "regular"... We KNOW who regulars are the good and the bad. [Sounds like LL works in a fancy schmancy place in a fancy schmancy locale. She will come across a ton of entitled attitudes I don't ever have to deal with. The trade off: she probably earns waaaay more money than I do. But I probably have more fun at work.]

-We also know how you tip and serve you accordingly. [I hate that this makes her sound so calculating. I'm sure she gives excellent service no matter what.]

-People love to anticipate mistakes. "Can I have 2 waters" (because I think you will forget to refill my glass) Is a common and annoying one. [So once, while dining, my mom was going through water after water, and the waitress said, "My, are you thirsty!" I wanted to slap that waitress in the face. My mother is diabetic and has to drink a lot of water, so I always assume health reasons when a diner needs a lot of this, or none of the other. Also, in the service industry, anticipation of a guest's needs is the determining factor in whether or not a server is good at their job. For instance, if you order a diet coke or iced tea, I KNOW you will need refills. People who order these drink a lot of them. It's a rule of the trade. And I don't think people love to anticipate mistakes, I think people come to dinner wanting to have a good time, wanting to enjoy each other, and the food, etc. It also takes a seasoned server to gauge what the table wants; whether they're on a first date and don't want to be bothered, or if they're the type who loves chatting with their servers. I consider myself to be part of the entertainment, and I just have to figure out what type of show each table wants.]

-We talk about you...a lot. We bond over it. [So true. And if you see a random server helping you, or eyeing you, it means we told said server we thought you were hot.]

-Large tables ignore us and it creates a lot of work. When we come to the table and ask a question look up from your blackberry and answer...don't wait till I grab someone at your table a coffee and set it down to realize "oh I'd like one too".  [Large parties are indeed difficult, and this is why gratuities are automatically put on the bill for them. I dealt with a party of 32 yesterday, who all came in at different times, had 8 separate checks, multiple forms of payment, and even switched seats during the middle of dinner. What people who don't know the service industry and how it's run is this: As a server, I label what table and seat you're sitting at. When you move, I have to tell the expo and food runners that you moved, because now all the tickets are labeled wrong. and then I have to have a manager help me transfer check numbers and move food around, which is incredibly time consuming. And yes, the larger the party, the more we're ignored. And seriously, when a server is at your table, STOP TEXTING. I've come up with, "Oh, I'm sorry, I'll come back when you're ready." That usually makes them put it away because they really do want to order something. But yeah, we really need some cell phone etiquette guide to be taught in schools now.]

-Old people LOVE decaf...and NEVER believe you actually gave them decaf. [Yes, old people love decaf, usually because they're on some type of medication. And yes, they'll double check, and I don't blame them one bit. I would too. And when I order decaf on rare occasions, I do the same thing. ]

-The Managers know if you suck and pretend to listen with concern to your complaint. They don't care if you kiss their ass, because they hear from the waiters what you are really like. [Bottom line for managers: make the guests happy to guarantee repeat business. They will listen to their complaints, because 9 times out of 10, they are hugely valid. But managers DO get both sides of the story, and managers are always on the server's side. And a lot of the times, the issue isn't with the server, but with their food, which is a kitchen matter. I have worked with some awesome managers, and they are always the ones who have started in the business at a young age, and have done every job from dishwashing to line cooking, to serving, to bartending. They know how to make the guests AND the server happy.]

-We give you nicknames. [LL must work somewhere that has a ton of repeat business. I've never done this.]

-If you really piss your waiter off...we team up on you and find a way to retaliate. IE: ignore you, overcharge you, give you the smallest crustiest piece of complimentary bread. [You know that movie "Waiting"? I refused to watch it when it came out because I knew it would be disgusting, and I didn't want to think that those types of things really happened. And I don't believe they do. Or at least, I have never worked in those types of establishments. I've had some people majorly piss me off, and I've had others who've made me cry, but I've also had people offer to help me in my creative endeavors and ask me when I'm working next because they only want to sit in my section. It's a balance. And I've even had one fellow server say, "It's not brain surgery," which is true, it's not, but I still take my job very seriously.]

-Don't hand me and unidentified gross object wrapped in a napkin. Nothing makes us more livid. [Or put your gum on the actual plate. Come on!]

-Customers love to talk to us like we are idiots. Please remember that in LA chances are your server is college educated. 75% of the people I worked with went to college. One even had his masters...we are in it because you can make a lot of money in a little time...so we can act, write, sing, dance on the side. [Oh, it's true, sometimes we get that, and LL makes a hugely wonderful point: We ALL have college educations. Or we're still in school. I worked with a woman who was getting her masters in child psychology and had a small business on the side of brewing and distributing her own organic chai tea. And with the economic downturn, there are even more people vying for waiting jobs, so you're pretty much getting the cream of the crop when you go out. It's fun to subtly point out that you're being a jerk, especially if you're a dude. I had one person insult me so unbelievably, that I said, "Sir, I understand that I'm your server and only make minimum wage, but I'm actually an intelligent person." Oh man! That was awesome! He immediately apologized and was the NICEST guy after that. And then there's the story of JenniPatti who once worked at a tapas restaurant with me back in the day, was talking to one table when a guy at the next table, snapped his fingers to get her attention. Keep in mind, she was in the middle of explaining the menu to one of her guests at the other table, so she politely excused herself, turned to the finger snapper and said, "Sir, I'll be able to hear you better if you clap your hands at me." then she turned her back to him and continued with her earlier conversation. BRILLIANT! You'd be surprised at the behavior of some people. It's like they forget their server is a fellow human being. Because if their server ran into them in the middle of the street and told them, hey, remember that time you said this, and did this to me last week? They'd be so embarrassed. Sure, we serve food and a lot of people think it's a job that requires no skill, but oh, man, it is multi-tasking to the nth degree.

In fact, when I become president, I'm going to change not only the US but also the world. Everyone has to start as a dishwasher at 12 as part of your schooling, and you slowly make your way to a general manager by the time you graduate high school. I guarantee you world peace because everyone will have a place of empathy for their fellow man. 

But until I'm serving my term, I'm serving my tables. And if you like jokes and honesty, come sit in my section. If you're a fellow server, check out  bitter waitress.  for hilarious war stories and the like.

So, here you go, thanks for coming in, see you soon!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Holiday Gifts for Your Struggling Actor

Yay! Black Friday is coming and it's time to go shopping! Hooray!
But oh, what DO you give the struggling actor on your Holiday list? Well, here's some ideas:

When I graduated college, my Aunt (also married to an actor) bought me a beautiful horseshoe necklace for good luck for my auditions. Anything good luck related is fun. Horseshoes, wishbones, four leaf clovers, anything! It's a sweet thought. But take a look at this! Gold crutches! To always remind your actor to break his/her leg!

So cute!

Some of your actor buddies probably already have a smart phone. Lucky them! An iPhone or iPod Touch is a great tool for an actor to have because they can upload their headshots and reels to their smart device and always have their work with them to show off to potential employers, agents, managers, etc. etc. Plus, having googlemaps on their phone to help them GET to their auditions is also extremely helpful.

Every actress's face is a canvas! Help her get the looks she wants by going to Sephora and getting her a gift card. Yay! Makeup!

Now help her take it off with Albolene! This is my favorite makeup remover because I don't have to use water and mess up my sink and shirt. I'm messy so I love this because I smooth it on and tissue off! That's it! I bought mine at Cinema Secrets in Toluca Lake, but you can also buy it at pretty much any drugstore, like Long's, Wal-greens, CVS, etc. And it will last her several years.

Your beloved actor is going from audition to audition and sure needs help buying gasoline! How about a prepaid gas card? My dad, instead of commemorating my college degree in pretend with a watch I didn't want, instead gave me TWO years free gasoline. That was an amazing gift. And still is.

Are you a techno geek? Give your actor lessons in computer programs! Basic editing skills in FinalCut or PhotoShop will make your actor flip out with how cool you are. If you want to feed your actor for a lifetime, help them cultivate skills that they can use to help their own and their friends' careers. Actors are always creative in other elements as well. Lessons in this stuff are great.

And let's not forget giftcards to Target, Forever21, and those lovely Amex/Visa/Mastercard giftcards! (Love those.)

And a giftcard to any cafe, such as Starbucks, Coffee Bean, etc is always fantastic, as we always seem to catch up with peers, meet managers, and write our screenplays there.

And my lovely actor friends, what's on YOUR wish list? What could you really use?

Saturday, November 21, 2009


Was sent out for a non-union audition this Saturday morning at 10am. (that's a double Grr. 1. It's saturday. auditions should only be mon-fri. and they are if they pay well. 2. under compensation it didn't list an amount. it simply said, "generous." How much, people? I want to know exactly!)

Here's the role:
 ELECTRONICS is looking for great women to be the face of their product. WE ARE NOT LOOKING FOR AN ACTRESS THAT PLAYS THE PART BUT RATHER - she should have a legitimate passion and desire to discuss and teach others about technology. She must be warm, funny and engaging with tech and mobile phone savvy. THIS STARTS AS AN INTERNET PROJECT ONLY - can possibly go onto other media.

Well, guess who knows ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about technology? My phone is a dumbphone! There's no email! No nothing! I'm lucky I can even text with the darn thing.

So they ask me questions like, "Describe how you use technology."
I push buttons to get what I want.

"Describe 3G."
The Star Trek of our youth is here.

I mean, come on! If something is wrong with my computer, I don't know how to fix it!!! I pout and use a high pitched helpless girl voice to have SOMEONE ELSE FIX IT FOR ME.
If you asked me how a dimmer works, I don't go on and on about the gating principal*! I say, "you just slide the button down on the switch."

So in the middle of me bullshitting the best to my abilities and failing terribly at it, I think to myself, you might as well say you don't know the science behind it, but you can describe it and sell it to the everygirl and everyboy.

But I didn't say that, because, it bears repeating on the breakdown: WE ARE NOT LOOKING FOR AN ACTRESS THAT PLAYS THE PART BUT RATHER - she should have a legitimate passion and desire to discuss and teach others about technology.

Yeah. I have probably never felt more idiotic, have never rambled on for so long in my life, and god bless the casting director, but she was nice enough to tell me that callbacks won't be until after the holiday.

Lady, I appreciate you telling me that, but we both know I capital F ailed  that, so you didn't have to bother in order to make me feel better.


* I think it's called the gating principle. I can't remember. Tech theatre and Prof Dedoes was like (hack, cough!) over 12 months ago.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Happy Things

So I didn't get the callback for the Thing I Wasn't Allowed to Talk About. That's okay! I had an audition for one of its competitors yesterday, so there! I also have an audition tomorrow for a furniture store, and another for a cell phone company on Saturday. One week and four auditions. Not too shabby, agents! Thanks and rock on!

In happy news, I was FINALLY able to hang out with my darling Phoenix and the Boys Whom We Adore last night. I made cookies (Target's Market Pantry break and bake recipe) and our Boys talked Nerd to one another for five minutes straight regarding Star Wars vs Star Trek, and I think we both swooned a little from hearing them talk about plot points, science elements and the like, but Phoenix and I are dorks through and through, so it makes sense.
The best part though, was meeting this boy she adores. What's weird is that the two of them together just MAKE sense more than so many other couples I know.
These two. Make. Sense.

I'm drinking Silk Pumpkin Spice soy milk, heated up in mug. It's like a soy pumpkin steamer. Delicious! And caffeine free. It's night time, so that's a good thing.

I shared a pomegranate today and eating the seeds reminded me of Senior Year with JenniPatti, where we also split one of these seemingly extraterrestrial fruits and spat the seeds over our third floor balcony. We kept trying to out spit the other. And although my memory is hazy, she probably won, only because she's a beer and martini drinking kinda gal, and that just makes sense, doesn't it?

I am listening to the wonderful downbeat electronica that is my Awesome channel on Pandora.com

I'm relaxed.

I'm happy.

My bills so far, are paid, and I think I'm going to have enough this month to not develop another gray hair.

I lit my vanilla buttercream scented candle.

I wrote another page for my book about my mom.

All my contacts in my phone and palm pilot are in my Mac address book.

I made zucchini for dinner and it tasted good!

I am happy. 

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Calling It.

Oh Dear Ones,

The Project I Couldn't Talk About has callbacks tomorrow, and alas, it is 5:11 and I have not been notified that I have been invited back.

Uncross your fingers. I'm calling it. No Callback.

Sad emoticon.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Shh! I Can't Talk About It!

Had an audition on Monday morning for a commercial I had to sign a non-disclosure agreement for. So I won't tell you what the product is, but I can still tell you what happened.

I had to look like I was 30 and capable of having two small children. And kinda fashionable, I think. I wasn't sure.

This was my first SAG audition where I had lines! I was so excited! I had four rather long lines detailing the product. I made sure to punch up the features, and nod to where I would pretend for them to be. I was prepared! I was ready!

I got to the audition and the casting director says, "Guys, they really want you to improv everything. Don't stick to the script at all. Be funnier than what's on the page."

It wasn't a full on panic attack, but my heart did quicken.

IMPROV?! I suck at improv! Or at least, I claim to, because there's a whole bunch of rules in improv that I don't know, and whenever I watch my friend Eric perform, I'm always so proud of what he does, because I could never in my life think up the stuff he does and am too terrified to try. I always need time to think about stuff beforehand.

I had three minutes.

I came up with my stuff, was called in, and did my audition.

They laughed. So, that was good.

Then the director said, "That was great. Can you do it again, but different?"

Okay, I have no idea what the hell that means. And I've done auditions before where I just nod stupidly and do what I THINK they meant, but it never is. And I've learned that it's okay to sound like an idiot and ask questions about what they specifically want, because if I don't, I won't know what they want, and I won't give it to them. And then I don't book. Or get called back.

So I asked, and I sounded stupid because I said, okay, I did it like this, but do you want it like this, or like this (not being able to write about it specifically is a little challenging, no?)? And the director responded with, "I'm sorry, I'm not directing well." Which I hated, because even though I'm sure he meant it, all I heard was "You're an idiot so I'm going to disparage me so you feel better about yourself." because yes, even this struggling actress can be ragingly insecure.

I'll paraphrase what he said next, by saying that he wanted the same character I was doing, but different improv'ed words.

Ooooooh! I get it!

My second one wasn't as strong as my first because I was caught off guard at having to come up with new stuff on the spot, but still went well. The casting director complimented me, saying I was very talented. (me?! thank you1!) and that I was also the best dressed they had seen all morning.

Sure, it was only 45 minutes into their day of auditioning, but that felt awesome!

Callbacks are on the 19th.  It's not for just one commercial, but possibly up to 3...

Please, please keep your fingers crossed for me. :)

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Orange You Glad You Went To Chapman?

I love booking from headshots! I really do! It's so simple! I click "submit," and then I get a call saying, "Yes! We want to pay you! We can tell we love you just from your photo!"
And I always think the same thing: "Thank you Photoshop CS3!"

I booked a Hair Care gig that shoots aaaaall the way in Orange, (at roughly 36 miles, it is sometimes a 2 hour drive.) But I got my major in pretend in Orange, so I actually love going there because I drive down Katella, or Tustin, or heck, Shoppertainment, and I am flooded with memories. Like:

There's my old job at the Ugly Mug!
There's that cuban restaurant Eric would take me to!

There's the do-it-yourself car wash where Jen and I would speed wash her car!

It's fun to go back and relive my college days. (which were like, cough, cough, only a year ago, hack!) I made a lot of great friends there. I grew a lot there. I discovered a lot about life and love there. And I'm especially thankful for my senior year there. I was in love and surrounded and supported by dear, dear friends.

And I still am. And it's funny sometimes that it takes me a direct headshot booking to remember that.

Thank you, friends. Thank you.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

A Slight Girl Crush

One of the fun things about working in a restaurant is you are always surrounded by other actors. And some of them turn out to be incredibly fascinating.

Take for instance, Michael. His last theatre gig was at the Pantages. The Pantages! He had offered this tidbit of information right before I said that I hate Shakespeare. So, you know, crickets. I think he had even stopped talking to me at that point...

Go ahead, judge me. Every one does. But it's okay. All the Shakespeare I've seen has just been godawful. Archaic language that no one even understands anymore (you can't blindly go in to a Shakespearean play and expect to follow without having your brows furrowed. Polar Bear, please don't hate! ) And if you do a Billy S comedy, the physical humor has to be so incredibly exaggerated, just so we know we're supposed to be laughing. Ick. No thanks.

At any rate, a coworker found me on FB and then asked everyone to go over her new website. I clicked on it, and wow.

First off, Jamie Dix is sweet as sweet can be, and is actually really smart. Two qualities I absolutely adore in people. She's done theatre here in LA! She sings! She acts! She produces! She has awesome pictures! Her website is fun!

I told her I had a slight girly crush on her. ...I think I might've scared her. I should really use something else to describe that I only want to know more about what she's done, and where she is here in life.  I bet I could learn a few things from her. I want to sit with her over coffee. I want to go over her production notes. I want her to come with us to karaoke so I can listen to her sing.

New interesting people are fun!

I'm excited to learn more.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Trying to Stay Positive

Spoke to two other actor friends last night who are also looking for theatrical representation and also unsuccessful. Sigh. Anyone want to recommend one? I'm running out of ideas. I had even posted a blurb on Facebook, looking for love/hate stories about people's agents, but I forget that not everyone is an actor, as two out of the three people who replied griped about their real estate agent.

I didn't talk much about the day on set of "Post Partum Depression." It was a lot of costume changes, I remember that. But most of the day was spent changing clothes and crying while holding a fake baby. This is what I got a degree in pretend for, folks! I was great. And we finished right on time. Because we were going so fast, I again, didn't ask anyone to take my photo, which is such a bummer. Ah, well.

Have a non-union audition tomorrow for Overstock.com. Should be fun! Especially since, I kid you not, I am going for a "pregnant young mom." What is it about my headshots that scream Festering Child In Womb? I rush off from work and zoom over there. I have to look "hip and trendy," which I am not, and always takes me forever to figure out how I can do that based on my wardrobe. I am so not hip and trendy.

I also am phasing out my dell laptop for a Mac mini desktop computer. Instead of writing everything on my couch, I'm now on a desk! I've had a few hiccups trying to figure things out, like, my transferred docs not saving (restarting the computer fixed that) but now it's not printing. I'm not frustrated, not yet, but if this is what life is going to be like for the next week, I'm going to scream.

Also, I see that Pages has a screenwriting template, but so far as I know, the keyboard shortcuts are not at all like Final Draft, and that is making me very sad.

But gosh darn it, I am trying to stay positive!

I might go sing my troubles away with Glow tonight. And that thought makes me happy. And cookies with Phoenix and the Boys Whom We Adore is gonna happen one of these days. Our opposing schedules almost seem to be at war with one another. Truce, Tracy! Truce!

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Free Agent?

I just got new headshots printed to 8x10's, and I was thinking about all the postage I'd have to spend when doing a submission and my head started spinning.

I happened to be at an audition that was right next door to Orion Barnes Talent Agency, and noticed on their door that they take drop off submissions. Hell's yeah!

So, make it easy on yourself, attach your resume and headshot and leave your submission to Orion Barnes or Tony Ferrar at:

13731Ventura Blvd.
Ste. D
Sherman Oaks, CA 91423

The door is small, but once you go up the flight of steep stairs, you'll see a box with "Orion Talent Submissions," on the left and plunk down your headshot.

If you know of any other places that allows drop offs, please email me at lirakellerman
@yahoo.com so we can share the love!

As always, good luck!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

An Open Letter to the CoWorker Who Stole $80 From My Purse

Dear Fellow CoWorker:

Okay, yes, at first I was angry, because hey! That's MY money! And I need that money! That's why I had it in the first place. I worked hard to get it, and allow myself only a certain amount of cash on me as an allowance to myself.

But I get it. Times are really frikkin hard right now. This is probably not your only job. You probably do not have any days off. You probably work more than 12 hours a day all week just to survive. You most likely have a child or two, and you are praying to God that you or them do not get sick because you have no health insurance, that you can't afford the time off to care for them, and cannot afford to not work as much and as hard as you do.

You might have family elsewhere who are even worse off than you are. You might have maxed out all your credit cards. You must be at your wits end. Because you went into the locker room, opened the lockers, found my purse, took it out, found my wallet, opened it and took the cash all with the door open and in plain view of anyone who walked into the dish station, which is all the time. You could've been caught red handed, but you risked all this because you probably do not have any other choice right now.

I'm sure this makes you feel tremendous guilt, that if you only had more money, you wouldn't have to do this. I understand how you feel. I'm having a bit of a financial crisis myself.

But I do have enough room on my credit card to buy a lock. I hope you understand.

All the best,

Monday, November 2, 2009

An Actor's Car Checklist

At my callback today, New Actor from our first audition was also there! Hello, I said to him. Hello, he said back. Hey, he continued, Can I borrow some change for the meter?

So here is your Actor Car Checklist!

1) Small notebook to log your miles, gas, car maintenence, parking meters, meals, and gifts for every audition you go on. Go to an audition 10 miles away and bought a caramel frapp for $3.50? Keep track! It's tax deductable!
2) Pens. You'd be surprised how your car is actually your office.
3) Change. For Meters. Lots of change.
4) Extra headshots/resumes. Cause you never know. Stick a few business cards in there. A dvd of your reel and some headshots on there too. YOU NEVER KNOW.
5) Thomas Guide. Unless you have a Navigator, or a Smartphone.
6) Ladies - some Lady items. You know what I'm saying.
7) Dance music to groove to when you rock out an awesome audition.
8) Food. Be it crackers, frosted mini-wheats, or pop-tarts, because sometimes you get hungry.
9) Water. Staying hydrated is awesome!
10) Window shades. Cause it's November and it's 80 degrees. Keep em in there year round.
11) Mascara, eyeliner, lipstick, lip gloss, tissues. Because sometimes you'll have a gig for a union show and they WON'T TELL YOU TO COME CAMERA READY. Happened to me, so now I always carry it with me.
12) napkins/tissues/wetnaps. Cause fingers get messy
13) anti bacterial stuff.

And that's about it. I think. Am I missing anything?

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Babies Babies Babies!

Having given birth on Twins By Surprise for the Discovery Health channel, I was pretty excited about my "Untitled Post Partum Series," shoot on Friday, because I knew it meant I would get to hold a BABY!

That sound you hear in the background is indeed the tick tocking of my internal clock, and wow, what a hard day of shooting because as soon as I was done with the giving birth part of the shoot, the director told me that the nurses would put the real live baby on my stomach and that I was not to look at him. To not interract with him. To completely ignore adorable 5 week old Gavin who was crying and screaming because he was naked and smeared with cream cheese and jelly to look like he just shot out of my birth canal. The poor thing! And to ignore him!?
HARDEST ACTING JOB OF MY LIFE! All I wanted to do was hold the poor thing and coo at him that it was okay, that he was fine, and to put a blanket around him and make him warm.


Sure, I'm only 22 (cough, cough) but gosh, I am really feeling the need to take care of something that is helpless and who needs me. And I should not be feeling this way because I can't even keep a plant alive, so really, I am totally hopeless and should probably never have children....but.....but...

I'm not sure I will ever have children. I am pretty confident I would like one, preferably two, but having a family when I can barely afford new headshots is incredibly disheartening for a struggling actress. Will I always be struggling? Possibly. And now, yes, I might sacrifice a family for my career, but 8 years from now, when I'm 30 (hack! cough! cough!) will I still feel the same way? Ugh. It breaks my heart sometimes to think about it. I could be a struggling actress for the rest of my life, never making enough to properly raise a child in good conscience.

Until then, I will continue to book recreated events shows where I get to pretend to have children, and envy my sister who has 2 kids, who in turn, envies my life sometimes because to her, I'm still "free."

The grass is always greener.

At any rate, I went home after the shoot and came home to discover I got a call back for the Match.com commercial. Hooray! Is there any feeling awesomer than ending a day of filming with finding out you have a callback? Well, okay, yes, it would've been if I had booked it, but whatever, I'll take it! Yeehaw!

I was feeling great that night, happy, successful. At peace.

Then I went to bed and dreamt I had my own baby and was nursing him.


Happy Halloween

Hair and Makeup by DeeDee Kelly, Photograph, Patrick McKenzie,

Photo Manipulation Anthony Diecidue

Matt's Just Being Honest

Got a message from a random person named Matt today. The subject, "You're Beautiful."

I saw the Haunting At Winchester the other night and although I did not find the movie that great, I enjoyed your performance, especially the end, that was a nice twist.

Thanks Matt. :)