"The label you give yourself cannot impact external forces that are not motivated by your own psychology or influenced by a third party's pre-existing consciousness of you. We are all presented with reasons to struggle which come from completely external forces; to pretend that one is not struggling is either arrogance or an admission of defeat. To admit that one is struggling is a sign and a source of strength." - Evan A. Baker

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Find Someone Who IS Excited About You

One of the reasons I believe I'm struggling is because almost all of the casting directors in town have no idea I exist. Even though I've had a few spots here and there on television, they've either been skits or recreated events shows. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, however, I'm at the point where I can't put those shows down on my resume anymore.

There's this idea in Hollywood, that after a while, you should move up in the acting world. Some agents, after their client has done a few co-stars, only submits their client for guest-star roles. You are supposed to move up to bigger and better things. Mo' money, ya'll!

So why have I stayed stagnant?

Okay, well, not stagnant, since this has been my best year EVER, but why have I only booked extremely small things? I believe it's because my agent hasn't pitched me to casting directors.

I had emailed my agent a few months ago, saying, hey, What can we do diferently? I'm worried my pictures aren't doing what we had hoped they would. I have not had an audition in five months. He wrote back that everything was fine.

Five months with no audition is a long time. SAG franchised agents use a SAG contract (the one I signed), where if you don't book work with an agent after 90 days (not auditions, mind you, but work) you are able to get out of your contract.

Now, pilot season came and went, and pilot season for me, a "developing" talent usually means no auditions. I'm low on the totem pole, ya'll. But five months in and no auditions, I'm really annoyed.
I should also mention that I have never EVER been impressed with any of my theatrical talent agents. I would like to say that I'm gorgeous, with great headshots, a ton of talent and spunk, but if I can only get a low level theatrical agent, that means I'm a low level actress. So: more classes, more networking, creating content that I want to do, and doing other people's passion projects for free. That's how a struggling actress gets ahead.

There's no problem, my theatrical agent said. But that's not what I heard. I heard, "Not my problem." I went into overdrive. Updated my resumes, researched new agents, sent out a few mailings and got...nothing. Awesome. Over $200 spent and not one bite. Shit.

Two months go by. I email my theatrical agent again:
Hey [Agent],

I know it's been slow, and now even slower since the summer started, but I was wondering if perhaps we should try a different approach with my pictures? I've had zero Los Angeles auditions since I signed back in January, and I'm at a bit of a loss with what to do on my end. What do you suggest?
and, the reply:
Yes, It has been very hard to understand on my end to….
We have submitted you 179 and pitched you 7 times  -- my average client would have at least 12 auditions… I don’t get overtly negative feedback on your headshots, but I know that have [sic] curly hair is not what most of the CD’s and roles they are casting are looking for.  I thought we might get more traction since [sic] DON”T look like every other gal in LA, but it is safe to say that is not the case…

Ya'll, I'm a hair model. I make money because my hair is so curly. And I wrote a whole post about how I am my hair, and that post even had a Part 2.

I won't lie. I am angry. Super frickin angry. First off, I understand that if I was his average client, I would have 12 auditions by now, or 1.7 a month. (1.7 a month!? Well, then, that's not an agency I want to be at anyways) but it's plain as day in the email, by offering no solutions, that he's checked out of our agent/client relationship.

And for reals, he believes I have had no auditions in SEVEN MONTHS






There's really only one thing I can say to that:

"You're fired."

I forwarded a casting director (who has booked me before) the agent's response, and he wrote
"Excuse my language, but he's a [redacted]."
The cd then helped me refine my list for submissions, with the words "Referred by [I wish I could tell you his name, but just know that actors LOVE HIM!]" on the envelope.

In this town, when you submit your headshot and resume to agents, you need to know that the odds are not in your favor at all. You need to submit to at least a hundred to get one bite.

I submitted to only 20. And 20 of them were out of my league. I knew this. But I crossed my fingers, said Thank You to the sky for the CD who has helped me, gave the envelopes a kiss, and sent them on their way.

I got a few bites!

An agent called me and after a few rounds of phone tag, we finally connected. Before a hello, he said, "Well, aren't you adorable?!"

And then I heard angels:

I met with him last week and he was so kind! He prefers phone calls over emails (UNHEARD OF!) and has had several clients for over 20 years. He even offered me advice for my next meeting, and everything he said just made sense. He CARED and had IDEAS for me.

I really like him. He's excited about me. I need to find and surround myself with people who are excited about me and my work because when the going gets tough, I have cheerleaders. We all need cheerleaders. This is a tough business. Surround yourself with people who think you're awesome. You can only move up if you do.

Maybe this agent can help a few casting directors know who I am.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Comic Con

I've never been to Comic Con before. I was always afraid of it. Large crowds, nerds, nerds dressed up  with their faces covered so they can commit crimes and get away with it...

Clearly, this slightly claustrophobic dork forgets that nerds are only violent in video games, but still. Comic Con never seemed like my idea of a good time.

This year, however, my BFF Glow was hired by G4 as their Art Director for their live event coverage and she invited us to hang out with her on her off hours, so hang out with her on her off hours we did!

I carpooled with Phoenix and the Boy She Adores and went down Friday night and here's a few pictures of what San Diego was like.

San Diego was cold. I think it got up to 68. Here's me poolside. I am wearing a bikini. And a terrycloth sleeveless Snuggie, also known as a towel.

I brought tank tops with me, cause you know, Southern California is usually very hot in the summer, but the weather was wacky. I wore a zip up hoodie all day and a jacket at night. And for the most part, I was still cold. But, well, I'm always cold. I should probably have more iron in my diet.

The only reason why that person behind me is laying out all normal like, is because he is probably from Alaska. And 68 is tanning weather over there. That's the only reason that makes sense. I mean, look at my hair! It was windy too!

Here is the view from the G4 stage. There is a crowd at the bottom for the new video game, Just Dance 2, but as you'll notice, they might not be crowding the stage so much as just trying to walk through the sea of people. Comic Con is a big deal. Everyone is there. EVERYONE. And I never went to the second level of the convention. where all the panels are.  I stayed on the bottom level. My guy would grab my hand so that we wouldn't lose each other through the throngs of people, and I am proud to say, I never got lost! I know that is something most 4 year olds are proud of, but seriously, there were so many people!

And a lot of them dress up. It's kinda like Halloween. You see Super Mario characters, anime princesses, the Joker and Harleyquin, and one couple even dressed up as Carmen San Diego and Waldo. Never have I been more proud of finding those two, even if San Diego seemed to be an obvious choice to start searching for Carmen....

On the first floor of the G4 stage, they had merchandise! Limited edition tee shirts and sweatshirts, and THIS dvd over here. It's a collection of their most awesome clips, and I thought hmmm....when I saw it. I asked to see the back of the dvd to see what clips were featured, and yes, there were a few of the ones I did not only for Attack of the Show, but also for X-Play. It's fun to go to a huge convention and then see items being sold that have your work in it. So that was a treat.

We rolled back in late yesterday afternoon, and the trip was great. I'll probably go next year.

And maybe even dress up. 

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Parents Want Their Children to Be Happy

When I was 12 years old, I auditioned and got a part in the first play of my life. It was children's theater and to be a part of it, your parent was also required to work on it for free. They called it volunteering, but I have a hard time calling any unpaid work volunteering when you are forced to do it. (I turned down the college high gpa frat too because of this. phi beta kappa? They required volunteer work. I was like, bitches, please, I've done over 500 hours of volunteer work without having to. Don't MAKE me have to do something I should want to do anyways. You take out all the fun. Wow. Parenthetical tangent. Where was I?)

They also had a "period makeup class" for all the moms out there, but of course, my mother couldn't attend, but this was a really important class to take. My DAD comes with me, and with, bless his heart, a notepad and pen so he could take copious notes.

Here is a father, working over 40 hours a week, paying ridiculous medical bill after bill for my mother's care, and he shows up to a class about makeup. With stuff to take notes!

I am only 12 years old, but all of this is not lost on me. My heart swelled with so much pride for my dad, who was willing to put himself in completely unknown territory just so he could support his daughter. And to bring notepaper!! The moms next to him even said, "Oh, what a great idea! Do you mind if I have a piece of paper so I can take notes too?"

Immediately after that class, my dad took me to Long's Drugs so he could buy the stuff he listed as absolutely necessary: "pancake foundation, powder, lipstick, blush, eyeshadow and eyeliner." My dad, bless his heart, found a young woman who worked in the makeup section and asked her to help us find the right colors for me because, as he said proudly, "She is in a play! And I don't know anything about makeup!"

That's love. That's pride. That's a really good parent, seeing something his child is in and excited about, and supporting it and helping as much as they can.

My college friend Jen now works as an acting coach in Boston and one of her clients, a young 17 year old who will be starting her senior year this September, also has a parent who is very supportive and excited whenever her daughter finds something she likes to do. Because the daughter showed an interest in acting, Mom went above and beyond. She didn't know anything about the acting world, and so asked her daughter's acting coach what a typical actress's life is like in Los Angeles.

The typical actress in LA is struggling, so Jen immediately contacted me asking if I would mind meeting with the mom and daughter to give them some real insight and advice on life, the biz, and recommended paths to take when pursuing this life. Mom was setting up a weeklong trip where they would get to explore LA, tour the studios, possibly go on agent meetings and auditions should the opportunities arise.

Well, I was more than happy to, since this mom reminded me very much of my dad, who will research his happy little heart out before committing to anything he doesn't understand. They were coming in about three weeks and we started emailing to set up a time to meet. I sent Mom a few questions:

Is she planning on going to college? What other activities, besides acting, interest her? Why does she want to be an actor? If you could forward those questions to her so I could get a better idea of her as a person, I think that would be a great place to start. Also, how long has she been studying acting? Does she have any family out here?
I was excited to read back what the daughter would answer. I remember being 17 and very excited. But the daughter let almost a week go by when I asked the mother to remind her daughter to write me. The mother wrote back that the daughter preferred to dictate the answers to mom.


Here are the answers:
She would go to college to study acting but first choice is to get acting  work out of high school.  She likes to make videos (ie did a math project with video and she was the primary organizer, also has done several music videos on youtube) also singing, writing songs.  Acting is her passion.   She wants to become an actor because it is fun and she also feels like she belongs there.   One of the areas  she'd like to work in is  disney and/or  Nick because it gave her so much joy and she'd like to do the same for other kids especially ones that are struggling.  She has been studying acting since she was about ten years old.  She was involved in a local kids theater group  for a couple years and then took classes at Boston Casting and that's where she met Jen.
Okay. Decent answers. My favorite is she wants to be an actor because she feels like she belongs there. Great! Me too! But you know what? I'm extremely annoyed that the daughter took the easy way out and dictated her answers. I don't know what's from her heart, or edited by her mom, and I get no sense of personality from this girl. I can't! And that's why I wanted her to write me. I wrote back:
I wanted her to write her answers to me so I could get a sense of her personality. Her choosing to dictate them to you, thereby making no personal connection with me, is worrisome. Los Angeles and the Hollywood game is all about networking and making and keeping friends in the business. So far, she has shown no interest in me while I am setting aside time to advise her.

Have her write me.
 Mom responded back that she has been talking to her daughter about the reality of the business and that her daughter is particularly shy with people she doesn't know.

Uh oh. More RED FLAGS.

Now, I get it. I am EXTREMELY shy with people I don't know. I went on a huge camping trip with 40,000 people and felt so fish out of water that I was given the nickname "Quiet" on the first day. But when I am in a room with a captive audience, I shine. I can make small talk, I can joke about my name, where I'm from.  And if I had the opportunity to make friends with a Real Life Struggling Actress, you bet your Sag Scale I would be emailing and asking questions and seeking advice.

Okay. I'm giving this girl one last shot. I sent her a one minute monologue and asked her to prepare it for me. That way, I could at least see if this girl had any potential. I had already emailed Jen asking for more info on the mom and daughter, predicting that they would cancel on me last minute, as the daughter seemed to show very little interest in meeting me at all.

I got another email:
Lira,  my daughter  has been trying to prep  this monologue and is having a hard time with the content.   I've been thinking about this a lot and how to make this work for all of us.  If this works for you could we make this meeting a "meet and greet," only [instead of the previously agreed upon consulting/coaching]?   I know you are trying to give her the most for your time but she's not there yet.  I would like it if you talked of your life and how you learned/studied the business and how you make it work now.  Also speak of the endless auditions.  I know there has been alot of back and forth but I feel this is ultimately good because she will have a glimpse of what life in the TV/film/acting world is about.
So, the daughter who wants to act, doesn't want to act when given the opportunity.  I responded that in order for me to properly advise them, I will need to see how she prepares the monologue. The morning of our meeting, I received another email from Mom:
Hi Lira,  I apologize for this late notice but my daughter is not up for this meeting.   We have been talking alot and she isn't ready to do this type of one on one yet.  I know it is a missed opportunity for her.   However she is feeling like it is too much and won't be herself.  I think the reality of life here is beginning to set in and it is overwhelming right now.   So having said that I am wondering if you think it would be worth it for me to speak by phone or meet briefly with you at the same time or another time.  I feel we are here and I won't have other opportunities to discuss this with a professional again.  If it seems not worth it to speak to me only I understand that too.
I REALLY want to speak to Mom. I have been writing her over and over again how she's doing the right thing by trying to get as much info as she can for her daughter, because, really, all she wants to do is help her child be happy. Daughter found something she liked, and Mom is so happy, she is supporting and supporting and, and.....doing a lot of the Daughter's homework for her.

When I first saw a flier for auditions for a play, I took it home and begged my father to take me to try out. He said no. I pleaded. He still said no. I bargained. He said no again. I bribed. He laughed, then said no again. And I cried. I cried for days. Yes, I was only 11, but I was also a bit melodramatic, but you guys, I REALLY wanted to be in a play. The next year, a new flier, a new play, and I begged my dad again. So he took me because I still wanted to do it a year later. And I got it.

When I wanted to take singing lessons that summer, "to help my career," I found the class, I found the teacher, I showed my dad I was serious. I did drama in high school. And when Senior year rolled around, I chose Psychology, Creative Writing 2, Beginning Choir and Drama 3 as my electives. My dad saw this and said, nope, uh uh. You need Physics and Calculus. When I calmly explained that I would have no need for science and math class for my life as an actress, and that learning to read music and learning to write plays and learning why people do the things they do in psychology would benefit my future in the arts, and I had taken all the required math and science to apply to the UC system the year before, he took it all in, scratched his bearded chin and said, "You're right. Okay." I was figuring out what the best way to become an actress for myself. I was convincing my dad that this was what I wanted to do. Not the other way around, which unfortunately, was what I was getting from Mom and daughter.

So yes, I still want to meet with Mom. Mainly to point out that her daughter would be competing against 100 other girls who have been doing commercials for Pampers and Gerber's when they were babies. And they would have memorized that monologue, and three others in case I wanted to see something different, and they'd have two contrasting 16-32 bars to sing for me in case I'd ask, and they would show me their 32 count dance routine they choreographed, and they'd come to the meeting with thousands of questions on their own, and they'd probably have a few agent meetings to go to while they were here, which they had set up, themselves.

This daughter doesn't want it badly enough. Her competition does. Her mother has provided her with several awesome and wonderful opportunities to get her daughter ahead and in the end, the daughter had repeatedly shown that she wasn't interested in doing the work required. Which means that it's exactly that: work. And for us, the actresses who have known we had wanted to do this our whole life, it's not work. It's fun. Because this is what we are supposed to be doing with our life and we don't want to do anything else.

I met with Mom. "Let's save you and her lots of money and time and agree that she should be steered toward something else." If her daughter was there, I could've talked to her about the video she had produced for a class project. Because, if she likes the acting world, maybe she likes the film world, and would be more comfortable working behind the camera. It's still creative, it's still storytelling. Perhaps she could start with photography, but she is probably finding out that acting is not as easy as it all seems, that it's hard, that she's scared, and that she doesn't want to do it anymore. And that's okay! It's more than okay! So take that huge weight off your back and really enjoy the weather and attractions and sights that you have to see on this awesome CA adventure with your mom.

I said it sounded like Daughter still didn't know what she wanted to do with her life, and sometimes we don't know. Have her finish her senior year and take nothing but electives at the community college to see if anything excites her. Life is just beginning.

And what is so great about this, is that I had also was chatting to another girl who wanted to pursue acting out here.  Emerson College student Caitlin had written me this last week having found this blog, having read ALL the entries, and was asking if it would be okay to give her some advice and answer questions she had. The enthusiasm between Caitlin and the daughter couldn't have been more different. Polar opposites, those two. And I have no doubt Caitlin will start working when she's got all her necessary materials and an agent. I could see the daughter having anxiety attacks about auditions just in the waiting room.

If you want to act, you have to be ready to do the small crappy stuff for the first 10 years. You might have a few projects you're really excited about, that get you on TV, that you can be proud are on your resume, that people might have heard of, maybe even have seen! But for the most part, you will be here struggling. It sucks. But you have to want it so bad, to not be able to see yourself doing anything else, that you are willing to go above and beyond researching the town, the people, the business. Be prepared to be terrified and to suck and to find some awesome people doing the same thing, and assholes who will prey on your dreams and naivete and take your money. Be prepared to do a film that never, ever sees the light of day. Be prepared to have a British news crew follow you around because you aren't famous. Well, no actually. Don't prepare that. That kinda stuff only happens to me.

But despite all this, you must still be prepared to be happy, excited and exubherant that you are here, in LA, living your dream. You have to be optimistic that THIS is your year! You have to look back on the previous year and see how you went so far and beyond what you had hoped! You have to want it and love it and love it and want it.

Parents want their children, us, to be happy. But WE are the ones who must make the initiative for ourselves, to find out what that is. They call it passion for a reason. If you can't find it in what you do, then find something else that makes you love life.

My dad has dispensed some really good Dad Advice, my favorite being, "Do what you love, because then your job won't feel like work." And I'm doing that. And if you notice, my dad got exactly what he wanted: a daughter who loves what she does and is happy doing it.

Thanks Dad, for supporting me. I love you.

Monday, July 19, 2010


Perhaps I'm a bit late to the party, but oh. my. gosh. Hilarious!

Friday, July 16, 2010

Fan Mail!

Even though the Haunting of Winchester House spelled my name "Lisa Kellerman" on the back of the dvd, (a thing I now don't mind) a few people who have seen the movie have found me on the interwebs to write me nice things.

Esa wrote:

You were so good in that movie I just watched:
Haunting at Winchester house, no the movie wasn't so great, but
acting, you were good, and pretty of course.

Best Wishes,


Well, aw shucks, Esa! Thank you! how lovely for you to take the trouble to find me, write me, and actually write something nice!

Also today, my BFF Sarah in Northern California sent me this photo:

I've made the big leagues, ya'll! This film is now selling at MARSHALL'S!

I'm Famous!!!!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

I'm Not A Singer

But I can Sing!

That's always been my response as I haven't had vocal lessons in a very long time, and I was once yawned at on stage.

Oh, did I not tell you that?

In seventh grade back in, oh, um, 1997 (hack, cough!) I performed a song from a Disney film with a flautist for accompaniment. We weren't friends; the faculty put us together. So...we never practiced. Not once.  And we both thought our own unique tempo was best and were equally stubborn about it. What does that make it? One of the worst experiences of the poor audience's life.

That being said, did Aaron A. really have to yawn so loudly that he drowned me out? Me, with the microphone? And Marcie with her flute, also microphoned?

I was but a wisp of a girl, but even I knew that this was a test. Do I run offstage, or do I finish the song?

I finished the damn song! Before the flautist, but still. My heart was racing from embarrassment, which only grew more so once I got home and my lovely older brother told me that he was taunted with, "Hey Keith - Is that girl really your sister?" and not as in, "Wow, you're a lucky brother, cause if I had a sister who could sing like that..!" but more like, "Wow, your whole family is nuts!" But never fear, gentle readers, as he swiftly retorted to them that, despite our quite obvious facial similarities and very uncommon same last name, we were not related, thankyouverymuch.

And thankYOUverymuch, older brother. I owe you one.

Fast forward 5 years. I'm a senior in high school and there's a big ole musical that we're doing. The California State budget was immensely better then, but we still had to alternate our musicals to only every other year because we didn't have enough money to make a big production of a very big production. Luckily, the highschool about 8 miles over also alternated their musicals, and both schools partnered together so that there was a musical every year for the students, on alternating campuses every year. This meant twice the auditioners so that you could probably get a few good students who could really sing.

I figured, well, 5 years has passed....Maybe I'm better? I was taking Beginning Choir, so I felt I might be up to it.

The show was A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, and I knew I wanted to play the cantankerous older wife character, Domina. She had a solo! And because it was in my alto belting range, I felt I could do the role justice.

I had singing the last class of the day, and the teacher was also the choir director of the show. She offered to play a few songs for us to practice after school, before the auditions.

In her class, I was in her first soprano section, which was great, because we always had the melodies! No hard harmony learnin' for me! So when I went up to the piano with several other girls after school to practice, I took a few steps back from the piano before we started. My belt is a BELT. I am a power belter!

She starts playing the song and I sing with all my might, and because I had the cd and had practiced a few times until my lovely older brother told me to shut it, I knew I sounded pretty loud. Whoops. I mean good. I sounded good.

The teacher looks at me as if I'm from another planet. I'm drowning out the other girls. I know I'm rocking this song.

At the audition, I am up against a girl named April. April has been singing all her life. April is a singer/dancer. April was in the advanced singing group AND singing/dancing troupe and little ole me was only in beginning choir. We were going out for the same role.

Our voices were different. She had a distinctly more character sound, and when the cast list went up, I almost didn't bother looking. Of course she had gotten the role. She had never been yawned at onstage.

I saw her go up to it, actually. And I saw her reaction.

If you don't remember high school (it was like yesterday for me, cause it really practically was! [hack, cough!]) everything is heightened. All your emotions, all your everything is like one giant soap opera that simply doesn't end and adds greasy hair and acne and braces to the mix. Fun!

She had her hands to her face, and her four friends who were with her consoled her. What?! April didn't get the part? Who did? Must've been a student from the other high school. I racked my brains walkiing over to it,  thinking what that other girl's name was when the list came into view.

I got the part.



I had been YAWNED at onstage, you guys! I was only in beginning choir! It was a victory, let me tell you. I was so happy!

And then I was scared as hell.

I sang in the shower, in the car by myself, in the pretty soprano section of the beginning choir. And now I was a lead performer in musical where I had my own solo.

By the time the show started, I was still terrified of singing up there. And the choir director would always give me the same advice every night: "Just have fun."

I never did. My nerves got the best of me. I was so young. I hated the beginning of the second act, cause that meant my song was almost up. I was nervous everytime I did it, but I did it.

I'm not the best singer, you guys. I'm really not. But if there's karaoke and liquid courage, you might hear me think I am!

I was on YouTube and happened to find Joel Pascual, an amazing tenor who took some of the loveliest Broadway duets and recorded the instrumental part with only him singing the male part! You can sing with him!! If you're a singer and have the computer equipment, why not sing with him and link to it? You never know when Ryan Murphy is going to call you and say, "Hey, we're casting someone to play Heather Morris' sister. Can you sing?"

As much as I'd love to offer you a clip of me belting, the fact of the matter is my apartment is too small and there is a baby next door.

So here I am singing "Sun and Moon" from Miss Saigon, with Joel Pascual. As much as I'd love to give excuses on why it could be better, all I'm going to say is, really, it doesn't matter. Glee uses AutoTune so I wouldn't have a problem anyway.

(there's a five second delay cause I don't know how to edit. I'm lame. sorry!)

If you can find the soundtrack to this musical, get it. There are so many beautiful songs on it. Get the version with Lea Solanga. Cause she's a singer!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Tech Savvy Struggling Actress

My boyfriend told me the other day, "Yeah, you can totally do a vlog with Quicktime," and my response to that was, "Whaaaaa!?"

(I am the daughter of a Silicon Valley computer programmer so I never had to learn anything that had to do with computers because my dad fixed everything for me. Luckily, my BFF is a digital artist, so he knows lots of things involving initials like psd, jpg, rgb, etc. etc. )

There's this joke I found that goes, "My boyfriend got me How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse and inscribed it with, 'Because I care.' That's love." (ah, romance!)  I just added a few things to make it a monologue. Wanna see? Of course you do!

This is me with no makeup! And mussed hair! And my new favorite monologue! And all I did was record myself and upload it to YouTube. For those struggling actresses out there who need SOMETHING for your reel, why not do this? It's so easy!


Thursday, July 8, 2010


Because I can't get into the drama JUST yet, I can only say that I have someone amazing in my corner call BS on someone I'm working with and is helping me out way more than I could ever imagine. Sounds scandalous, right? And then, once I'm able to talk about it, you'll be like, "What, that's it? Pffth!"

I know, I know. But it's made me angry and beside myself and amazed at how high my voice can go when I keep repeating "Really!?" over and over again, which, is a rather redundant way to say wow.

Next Monday, I have a meeting with a mother/daughter to help give them an idea of what life really is like for the average (read: struggling) actress in LA. I applaud the mother's decision to fly out from Boston to help give her daughter a real life look at the real world here, but so far, the girl has yet to reach out to me personally, which I find worrisome in a town that is all about networking. Does she want to be an actress because she has no other choice in life and she must do it or she'll dieeeee! or does she want to be an actress because it's fun! and easy! and she can be on tv! I talked to her Boston acting coach and have to say, if she wants to be an actress, she's going to have to really convince me she's going to do it and not give up after two years. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just two years you lose out of your life when you could be enjoying your youth, going out with your friends, getting an education, and building a career in another field you actually like more and find more fun anyway.

You guys, acting is hard. It is hard. It takes years of training and mad skills to make something so difficult look so easy anyone can do it. And even harder is the struggle that comes with it. Unless your mother or father is famous, or you grew up in the business since you were a baby, or both (Hi Drew Barrymore!) you're pretty much going to struggle to become a working actor. You are going to have soul crushing jobs. You are going to cry about your life. You are going to see all your facebook friends get married and have families. You are going to be refilling diet cokes and getting stiffed on tips. You are going to play a pregant woman in peril more than once. You are going to think that once you're finally SAG eligible, the auditioning world will open up to you and Hollywood is your oyster.


The Hollywood Walk of Fame has glitter in the pavement. It sparkles! Did you know that? It also has homeless people sleeping on it. This is real LA life. For the first five years here, the first FIVE at least, when someone says, Have you been in anything I've seen? The answer is no. Unless they're addicted to pregnant women in peril recreated episodics.

So yeah. Frustrated rant.

And now, to make you laugh, cause being bummed out kinda sucks:

It's also extremely hard to take a good headshot. Or a default picture on a social networking site. I saw this video http://pogpog.com/v/do-not-trust-profile-pictures/ and it made me laugh out loud because I've had the same default picture on FB for almost a year and thought today about changing it but don't have any pictures I'm happy with to replace it. Now I know what to do!

Keep on truckin, ya'll. And if you want to be an actress, prove it. For 10 years.

{photo source}

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


I just happened to stumble upon my acting doppelganger by surfing the web and clicking on random links! Look! It's my sister from another mister, Zuri Bella!

Yeah, camera phone picture, but I haven't taken new shots yet. But you get the idea! We could be sisters!

Weeeeird! We look like we could be related more than my actual sister.

So strange! I wonder if we've both auditioned for the same recreated events shows!


Seriously, my to-do list is miles long, my printer died on me with only 3 more pages needing to be printed (more toner!? REALLY?! I want you to print until the characters are ghosted on the page!!) and I still have to unpack our clothes from the suitcase in our bedroom from visiting my family this last weekend.

But! I do have a small treat for you!

This is the little pilot I did with a cast and crew total of 5. Yes, FIVE. Kind of impossible, but gosh darn it if Writer/Producer/Co-Star/Editor Tanya Giang wants something, she goes out and gets it! This was her idea to get her SAG card, so now she's eligable! Huzzah! I added this to my --- WHOA!!!!!


Don't worry, I'm okay! It was small over here in LA. It was a 5.9 at the epicenter, about 40 miles south of Palm Springs or so. Wow.

Anyways, as I was saying, I just added this to my website, and need to upload it to Breakdowns. Cute, yes?

Still distracted by that earthquake. Wow.

Friday, July 2, 2010

New Hair!

So as you all know, I hair model. Pretty frequently, actually, because the very few girls who have hair like mine either 1) don't know about hair modeling or 2) keep it long and won't let anyone cut it!

We're girls! How we define our sexuality is mostly done through our hair. Our parents take our brothers to get haircuts. We grow our hair out!

In high school, I had curly hair all the way down to my boobs, and if I stretched it out (my hair - not my boobs) I could bring it almost down to my butt. And I loved it because it HID me. No one knew what I was thinking. Heck, no one knew what I really looked like! I was a huge mess of coiled tendrils, hiding my smiles, hiding my emotions, hiding me.

Then senior year started and my dad took me with him to a barber's so I could get a trim. The lady did not understand English well, and she must have been partially blind as I had brought a PICTURE of what I wanted, but alas. She grabbed a fistful of my hair, chopped it off at about my chin and said, "This? This is what you want?"

It took everything within me to not cry at that very moment as I stared at what looked like the most beautiful, most comfortable filler for a pillow. (Yes, my mother's side is Jewish, but I'm also half German! I can't help it!!) I managed to get all the way into my dad's car and be fine, until he asked if I liked it. Tears cascaded down my face, "Dad!" I sniffed, wiping the salt into my snot, "I don't want to be one of those girls who -" SNIFF "cry about their haircut, but I HATE this! I didn't ask for this at all! She-" SNIFF, "Ruined my hair!!"

She did. I wasn't ready to lop all my hair off. So I kept growing it. And growing it. And growing it, until finally, after college, I decided I needed a change in my life on the outside that reflected how I felt like I was growing and learning on the inside.

I searched Craig's List, found hair modeling opportunities, and the rest is history.

I had a gig with Vidal Sassoon two weeks ago.

They brushed it out, and they loved it! They said, you should wear your hair like this all the time!

They couldn't tell I wasn't cool enough to pull that look off on my own; that people would mistake me for a mental hospital escapee instead of a hipster.


You can kinda see it, right?

If you can't, no worries! Just look at the NEW header above! My darling boy redid it for me!

Happy Fourth of July, everybody!!