"The label you give yourself cannot impact external forces that are not motivated by your own psychology or influenced by a third party's pre-existing consciousness of you. We are all presented with reasons to struggle which come from completely external forces; to pretend that one is not struggling is either arrogance or an admission of defeat. To admit that one is struggling is a sign and a source of strength." - Evan A. Baker

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Why I've Slowed Down

Longtime readers might have seen a change in the quantity of posts on this here lil blog. And although there's nothing more annoying than "Oh my gosh, it's been months(!) since my last post!" I feel like I owe you an explanation.

Because maybe you too will go through a similar....oh eff it. It's a slump. I'm calling it what it is.

My slumps usually start in mid December when the town basically shuts down. A Struggling Actress' nemeses are Saturday and Sunday when there's no castings, no callbacks, no nothing to look forward to. Add Jewish and Christian Holidays and a New Year, and it's 3-4 weeks of Nothing.

Well, nothing but Family, which, if you're an actor, is probably crazy and you have to listen to this song over and over again just to bear it.

For those of you with stable, loving families, hug them and love them and visit often.

So yeah, life stands still for a bit and you have to wait it out. Every winter.

But 2012 is the year I want more. I mean, really. I'm okay, sure, but now, okay is just not enough.

I joined Sag. No more non-union commercials for me. My first Sag commercial audition in January required me to wait an 80 minutes. Four weeks later, I got my $35 check for being made to wait over an hour. I LOVE THE UNION!

And although I might have joined at the worst time for me (cause I could have been grandfathered in if I had just waited a couple more months and saved myself from having to take out a loan) I'm so thankful I don't have to drive from the valley to Santa Monica at 4pm for non union commercial auditions and callbacks that suck the gas from my car, and the soul from my self.

I married two different couples in two very intimate and different elopements, and you know what? I really, really enjoy marrying people. I get to use my creative writing skills (I do have them, when I proofread...) and get showered by all the love that surrounds a wedding couple. Because that stuff is Magical, my god, it really is.

And so.... I'm going to start officially offering my officiant services in the next few months. Website domain has been purchased, and I'm excited about this new business.

Also new, I'm going to be in charge of selling my husband's art. We've opened an Etsy shop and are beginning that process as well.

Two new family businesses for 2012.

And that's not all.

I needed a change in January - a physical one. I've looked like myself - my brand - for the last...8 years? and not much has happened with it.

And I want, I need something different. It's time. My last couple of years have been okay. But just like when a woman breaks up with a boy, or graduates from college, or has some other major life event happen (like getting married!) I needed a physical change to show the inner growth I was doing.

I gave a famous hairstylist full control and he chopped off all my hair. All of it.

Well, he gave me bangs. But I basically look like that girl from Just One of The Guys. You know, that 80s film? And maybe if I had a better sense of clothing style, I could pull it off.  But I've been playing with it and okay, I think I got it.

A drastic change might have been just what I needed.

Because now I have to update all my photos, update everything I am, and possibly jump into an entirely different category than what I was and have been, and I am absolutely okay with that. I think I've been craving it. No, I know I have been.

It's time to take some ownership, you know? The last time I served a table was in April. APRIL! We're going almost a whole year of me NOT waiting tables and taking orders and frantically trying to switch shifts for a last minute audition. No.

I'm also joining a fire conclave. After some "gentle" prodding from my my aptly named bff&e friend Glo, I'm going to take the color guard skills I learned my sophomore year in high school and apply them to a staff that is almost as tall as I am that will be lit on fire on both ends.

Am I excited? HELL YES.

And it's because everything that has been feeling old is now new again! I am new again!

And I'm excited about learning who I am all over again, because I have been defined by things that started feeling old over a year ago.

2012 is the year of new beginnings; not just new chapters, but new books.

And if you didn't know this before,

I am one hell of a voracious reader.


  1. i love that you have that picture from "just one of the guys"...

  2. This sounds absolutely wonderful and exciting! I will keep my fingers crossed that 2012 will be everything you are hoping for and more! xxx

  3. Daaaaaamn, girl... I didn't even know what a Fire Conclave WAS before I read this post.

    Kick.Some.ASS!!! I'll be rooting for you all the way. :)

  4. i spent the bulk of my youth wanting to BE that girl from 'just one of the guys.' well played, miss struggling. well played.


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