"The label you give yourself cannot impact external forces that are not motivated by your own psychology or influenced by a third party's pre-existing consciousness of you. We are all presented with reasons to struggle which come from completely external forces; to pretend that one is not struggling is either arrogance or an admission of defeat. To admit that one is struggling is a sign and a source of strength." - Evan A. Baker

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Keep Going

Last week, at about this time, I had a breakdown. Sobbing, gut wrenching, curled up in the fetal position in my bed. "What am I doing with myself? Is this what I really want?"

I know the feelings of career high and lows are cyclical, but are they circular? Am I going in circles?

What do I want? What do I need?

"I need an idea!" I sobbed to my empty room, my empty apartment, my empty heart.

I went to bed that night exhausted, desperate, defeated. I'd been feeling creatively dead inside for a few weeks. I was hoping it was hormones; my moods were swinging like mad like ecstatic like depressed. Please, god, let it be hormones.

I fell asleep with wet eyelashes.

At 3:30 am that morning, I woke up. I had an idea. An older woman mourning the death of her husband. I can work with that, I thought.

At 8:30 I woke up again. It can't be an older woman. It has to be me.

I didn't go back to sleep. I couldn't. I was too excited. I spent the next three hours writing out the plot points, dialogue snippets, and images I wanted. At noon, I read everything to my husband. And with tears in his eyes, he said, that's great. And you should include this. And what about this?

I took his notes, moved some things around, and now finally opened up Celtx and started putting it into film script format.

And I know that once I start writing, and getting excited, I also start to doubt. Is this really good? What am I doing? Why am I pretending this is any good at all? and I have to battle myself and keep going, keep going, Keep Going.

Because if I don't, I am nothing.


  1. Boy, have I been there. Keep going. Those ideas are such gifts.

  2. Thanks Dawn. I'm hoping it's good. I can't be objective about it just yet. Hopefully soon, I can. Thanks for commenting. :)

  3. Keep Going. Edit. Edit. Edit. Every diamond is rough in the beginning. You just have to keep polishing.

  4. Creative death, oh boy, have I been there! So very happy for you that ideas have started flowing! Keep going until you have a complete first draft, maybe do a couple of rewrites and then send the script to a professional script agency, know what I mean? They're not obliged to tell you your script is awesomesauce because they love you; they won't be a single bit biased. Works a treat for my script-writer friends. Keep on going! Can't wait to hear what the next steps are! x

    1. Bless your heart, Anita! It's actually only a 16 page script, but I'm very lucky because I have a lot of friends who could help film it and make it happen - but only if it's good enough. So I have to keep polishing and raise enough money to feed everyone and toss them a little "thank you"/"kit"/"rental" money, because asking your friends to work for free is one of the worst things ever.

      I have to add a few scenes to the beginning to establish the relationship, and fix the climax, but otherwise, the rough is almost done. :)

  5. Hey - I relate to it all; the despair, the flash of inspiration, the self-doubt. Keep at it! x

    1. Oh, the self doubt! Blech!

      Thanks for making me feel not so alone in this. :)


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