"The label you give yourself cannot impact external forces that are not motivated by your own psychology or influenced by a third party's pre-existing consciousness of you. We are all presented with reasons to struggle which come from completely external forces; to pretend that one is not struggling is either arrogance or an admission of defeat. To admit that one is struggling is a sign and a source of strength." - Evan A. Baker

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Sometimes You Doubt Yourself

It's super easy to do when you're a struggling actress who has to pick up restaurant jobs to pursue dreams. Last night I was at work until 1:30am, and I was asked by several tables if I am an actress.

Why do people ask this? 80% of LA actors are waiters or bartenders. It's how we live. It's a cliche because it's true. I guess I should be flattered that I'm asked, but most times, I'm annoyed. I'm not an actor now. I'm a waitress. Let me do my job for the next 8 hours so I can go home and write and go over my sides.

Maybe it's a bit of shame at having to sling drinks and buffalo wings. And I always try to have pithy comebacks:
Are you in school?
Oh no, I already graduated. Two years ago. Hack! Cough!
What did you study?
This! I got my BS in waiting tables, so I'm doing what I love.

So I left work a little defeated. I've been waiting tables for a very long time. But if it's to exchange the drudge of a 9-5 job that I know would not feed my soul, it's a good trade off, right?

And there are some bright spots every once in a while. I did once have a casting director recognize me from an audition that had happened 10 months prior who had offered to help me get an agent.
And last night, I got home to find this waiting in my email inbox:

Just finished editing the show for Production.  Your work was exceptional and I want you to know that I am thrilled!  Apparently so is the Production Company because they didn't change anything I edited. The show is very dark (as I'm sure you figured out) and different from the stuff they usually do at this Company.  I have not heard any new from the network but I'll bet they are happy as well.  I don't know when it is airing but I will get a copy and I can make copies for you.  

Let me know what is happening with your show ideas. I'm back at my Santa Monica office. Give me a call if you need any help.  Once again I am really excited about your work and your talent.  I'm recommending you to Jeff Hardwick my casting director.  

My best,


It's these things that make a struggling actress want to keep at it.


  1. Keep at it, keep at it!! We need to hang out more to encourage each other more! Because I haven't even touched that damn script I'm too terrified :(

  2. Agree: keep at it. Discipline and dedication are as big a part of the mythical formula as talent. You clearly want this. So get it.


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