Six months ago or so, my fiance introduced me to a few people at a party he had just met. "She's an actress," he beamed.
On the way home, I asked him not to introduce me as such ever again, because in social circles in LA, saying someone is an actress sounds like you're also saying, "but you wouldn't know, cause she's really a waitress."
Um. What? What is wrong with me? Why does saying I'm an actress sometimes feel like I'm saying a bad word?
Freud would say it's because deep down, I really hate myself. And want to sleep with my father.
And maybe Freud is onto something.
I mean, my dad really is a good looking guy... but no.
So maybe I hate myself.
Maybe not myself, per se, but I hate that we're in the 8th month of this year and I've only booked 6 things. Six. I'm not even booking work once a month.
Now, yes, in past years, I have booked even less than that, so this is something I should be proud of. And I've gotten to the point where if people ask, "have you been in anything I've seen?" I can actually say, "Yup!" and list a few things.
But it makes me wonder: is this feeling of constant struggle ever going to end? I mean, I could book a recurring on a soap and be SUPER HAPPY, but then, I wonder if I'll look at it and think, "It was just a soap."
Is this how someone feels throughout their career?
Anyways, cut to my lovely guy, listening to me patiently, if not bewilderingly. "But you ARE an actress! And you're really good!"
I would say, maybe it's because I haven't booked anything for a while, but um, I just shot a commercial for a video game last Friday, so that's not it.
Maybe it's because when I work, it's usually for only a day and I'm inbetween jobs for weeks. It's like, YAY! I am WORKING! and then I go home and stress WHEN IS MY NEXT GIG?!
Maybe I just need a vacation away from the city and this lifestyle so I can re-evaluate. Re-evaluate how hard I've been working, how much I love this, and be re-inspired by the whole system.
That sounds kind of lovely, right?