Having given birth on Twins By Surprise for the Discovery Health channel, I was pretty excited about my "Untitled Post Partum Series," shoot on Friday, because I knew it meant I would get to hold a BABY!
That sound you hear in the background is indeed the tick tocking of my internal clock, and wow, what a hard day of shooting because as soon as I was done with the giving birth part of the shoot, the director told me that the nurses would put the real live baby on my stomach and that I was not to look at him. To not interract with him. To completely ignore adorable 5 week old Gavin who was crying and screaming because he was naked and smeared with cream cheese and jelly to look like he just shot out of my birth canal. The poor thing! And to ignore him!?
HARDEST ACTING JOB OF MY LIFE! All I wanted to do was hold the poor thing and coo at him that it was okay, that he was fine, and to put a blanket around him and make him warm.
I WANT A BABY!
Sure, I'm only 22 (cough, cough) but gosh, I am really feeling the need to take care of something that is helpless and who needs me. And I should not be feeling this way because I can't even keep a plant alive, so really, I am totally hopeless and should probably never have children....but.....but...
I'm not sure I will ever have children. I am pretty confident I would like one, preferably two, but having a family when I can barely afford new headshots is incredibly disheartening for a struggling actress. Will I always be struggling? Possibly. And now, yes, I might sacrifice a family for my career, but 8 years from now, when I'm 30 (hack! cough! cough!) will I still feel the same way? Ugh. It breaks my heart sometimes to think about it. I could be a struggling actress for the rest of my life, never making enough to properly raise a child in good conscience.
Until then, I will continue to book recreated events shows where I get to pretend to have children, and envy my sister who has 2 kids, who in turn, envies my life sometimes because to her, I'm still "free."
The grass is always greener.
At any rate, I went home after the shoot and came home to discover I got a call back for the Match.com commercial. Hooray! Is there any feeling awesomer than ending a day of filming with finding out you have a callback? Well, okay, yes, it would've been if I had booked it, but whatever, I'll take it! Yeehaw!
I was feeling great that night, happy, successful. At peace.
Then I went to bed and dreamt I had my own baby and was nursing him.