"The label you give yourself cannot impact external forces that are not motivated by your own psychology or influenced by a third party's pre-existing consciousness of you. We are all presented with reasons to struggle which come from completely external forces; to pretend that one is not struggling is either arrogance or an admission of defeat. To admit that one is struggling is a sign and a source of strength." - Evan A. Baker

Thursday, November 18, 2010

You're Invited!

This last week and a half has been incredibly difficult for me. I'm about to have a Pity Party, so put on your rattiest old jeans, the t-shirt you bought your junior year in high school from a thrift store and let's have a good nice cry about it so I can get it out and away from me and start focusing on the positive things, yeah? Okay!

Negative OUT:

- Didn't book the celeb gossip host gig where I'd also get to write copy for it. I really wanted that. Didn't get it. And ya'll know how I said I knew I was only going to get two takes at most and only ended up getting one? I KNEW that was a bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, sign. Not wanting to go in for the close up? Really? If I was so wonderful, they would have gotten it. "One for safety," is a common saying even if you nail something. You get the perfect take and then you get another Just In Case. I didn't get it, and no amount of charm was going to save my butt. Manager found out I was their 6th choice out of 16 girls but that's very little consolation.

- Just found out from my commercial co-star that she was notified that she's been released from our fast food conflict hold. So: No residuals for us. No residuals. The money I've been hoping and counting on since APRIL isn't coming. Ever. My checking account balance no longer reads in numbers. Under "Balance" it shows a sad emoticon. I wish I was kidding. So long wedding budget. Goodbye. Ciao.

- The third part time job I want to pick up are full at all THREE locations. They like me enough and have told me to keep calling them after Thanksgiving. Okay. But waiting another week feels like a slow painful death. And my one part time job can't pay me until the second week of next month and the other can't pay til the 30th. Did you know that in LA County, technically your rent isn't late unless it's been received 5 days after it's due? I've become so adept at floating checks, I'm practically a magician.

- I haven't had an acting gig in a few months.

- The last two weeks have been audition free. And I'm freaking out.

Whew! Great! So glad that's over! Ick!

I feel so much better! Thank you for staying with me here. And now, the best kind of party of all - A Positive Party!

Positive IN!

- Your support from my "didn't book that celeb hosting gig" post was really, really great. You guys helped me remember that although I didn't book the job, I did make a few a fan or two. Although it wasn't cast by a casting director or office - the producers of the segment brought us in- they know I exist. I might not have been right for this, but maybe I'll be right for something else I do. Make fans, right? That's our job. Thank you for reminding me.

- I no longer have any fast food conflicts! I can now audition for McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy's, and even KFC all over again! Hurray! They have auditions for my category all the time and I usually do pretty well at those. They like my look and casting keeps bringing me in for them.

- What's more American than credit card debt? Oodles and oodles of credit card debt! I'm Giving Thanks for the roof over my head, this computer, our wireless router and my readers. Seriously. You guys are the best.

- My agents and manager keep insisting that I'm going to be very busy this pilot season. I don't know what "very busy" to them means, so I hope it's way more than I could ever hope for. I'm going to look forward to January and February. They believe in me.

- Not having to audition for anything in the last few weeks have given me ample time to go to the gym and organize some of the stuff in our apartment. I'm looking healthier! And so is our home!

See? Yay! YAY!!!!!!

I had a few "Is this it?" for me moments this week, holding a towel I wasn't sure I should keep or throw in. But the question of "What on Earth will I do Instead?" is so immediately terrifying and exhausting and it's like, if I DON'T continue, then I WON'T be using my degree (in Pretend)! I have to keep going! I have to!

And I have to find my side projects to help me keep my sanity in this crazy world. I found an old story I wrote and I want to expand it, so I'm bouncing around ideas on how to keep that going.

AND - even though I was edited out of my first SAG commercial, keeping me from getting residuals, and even though I was released from my second SAG commercial, keeping me from getting residuals, what are the chances the third commercial I book will have the same fate? Slim to none! And I got a great story for Leno one day about how the Struggling Actress really did live up to her name.

++ I gotta stay POSTIVE! ++


  1. Yes you do, Lira! Stay positive, I mean. From what I can gather you have come a LONG way already. You have a great team that believes in you, you're proactive, you train and stay on top of your game, you create your own stuff and write an inspiring blog that has helped a lot to keep many struggling actresses sane on our crazy journey. Good things will come your way. You deserve it. Bring on pilot season!

  2. Its a cycle. Its gotta worse before it gets better, right? Hopefully you are on the upswing! Sending good thoughts your way.

  3. Pity Party? I'm in! Because misery loves company ;) I'm sorry to hear about the disappointments this week. That sucks. I guess 'tis the life of a struggling actress (and a working actress too!) You have every reason to be proud! Do stay positive. A better week is right around the corner :)

  4. You'll be on the upswing in a second. There are jobs out there and you can probably create one too.

  5. The way I see it, you're just in the middle of the "building tension" part of your life story. Sooner or later, you'll get that dream gig and we can all start crying with you :) 'Til then, just keep at it. I know what it's like to live (solely) through credit cards. It stinks, but there will come a day when it's over.

    And if nothing else, I'm really looking forward to watching Hollywood & Highland. It looks so great!

  6. So many people can relate to this. I know personally I tend to live in this place you've been in with the occasional vacation to content-ville.

    Kudos to you for putting into words all the aggravation we feel. I'm sorry, really am that you didn't get the gig. It's worse when it's something we really really want and know we'd be a rockstar at. But look at you making a positive out of all this! That's a freakin skill right there.

    For what it's worth, my mentor told me something that helps me through these less than ideal times. (paraphrasing..) You have managers, you have agents, you have friends, companies, casting directors...people that support you. They call you in, then send you out, they watch all the shows you're in (even if it's the third time you're performing the Tempest), and they tune in to watch whatever video/film you're in now. They wouldn't do all this if they didn't believe in you and have faith that something HUGE is just around the corner. Or at least huger than right now.

    And in the end, that leno/letterman/conan interview will be AWESOME

  7. Your positive thinking makes you awesome!

    XOXOX Actress Confessions

  8. Keeping positive has always been my mantra. I'm sure that things will be looking up for you very soon. Pilot season is coming up. :)

  9. Hi Lira- I've been mulling over the idea of moving out to L.A. to pursure acting but I admit, I am TERRIFIED! I'm 24, is that too old to try? Can you suggest cheap, safe areas to look for an apartment? Thanks, and I love your blog! Keep writing!

  10. Aunt Sira says you are too young, too pretty and most of all too talented for a pity party. You are in the business - this is what happens - soon there will many new opportunities and successes - you will have forgotten about the "ones that got away"


Play nice.