"The label you give yourself cannot impact external forces that are not motivated by your own psychology or influenced by a third party's pre-existing consciousness of you. We are all presented with reasons to struggle which come from completely external forces; to pretend that one is not struggling is either arrogance or an admission of defeat. To admit that one is struggling is a sign and a source of strength." - Evan A. Baker

Monday, May 11, 2009

I Need To Visit More Often

The other day, I returned a few phone calls. One was to my sister, the other was to one of my best friends, who I picked as a sister at 15. I love these two girls very, very much.

And they both live far, far away. My sister lives 5 hours away in the same town MC Hammer went bankrupt in, and my BFF lives in a town that's about 6 hours away, but, as she said, an hour away from anything interesting, like San Francisco, Sacramento, or a mall. And it was pointed out to me that I do not visit enough. And it's true, I don't. But this especially hit home, when I asked to speak to my niece, and when my sister asked her if she wanted to speak to me, my niece said no. So then my sister said, "It's Auntie Lauren," trying to trick a five year old to get her to speak to an aunt she sees way more of, and therefore, likes a lot better. Which I thought was just an awful idea. If my neice doesn't care enough to talk to me now, imagine how angry she'd be with me when she found out it was ME instead of her favorite aunt. So, boo to my sister. (I guess it should be noted that my niece still did not get on the phone, probably already aware of parental trickery. It wasn't until 5 minutes later that she did get on the phone to speak with me.)

My best friend lovingly asked me when I was moving back home so that she could just call me up to go grab coffee.

"I'm never moving back home!" I whined. LA, in all its smoggy glory, is my home. Not northern California, which trust me, I miss, cause one can actually breathe and the whole attitude about life is so different up there. And I told her not to ever ask me that question.
"Why not?"
"Because moving home makes me feel like I failed."

Ugh. Why is that?

I have another friend who moved near St Louis, who also felt like it was a failure on her part, because she was moving back to the MidWest where she came from. "But you're not failing in anything," I told her, "You're just moving to a smaller pond where you'll be a huge LA fish, and everyone will want to work with you!"
And I predicted the future, because she just checked in with me recently and told me that she's booked more work in the last six months than she did in her entire 8 years in LA. She is an LA experienced actor in a very small market, and is extremely happy there.

If I moved back home, (really, I'd have to move to San Francisco) I'd have to learn the entire city, get my bearings, and try and figure out where to start, and starting at zero is hugely terrifying.

So don't ask me when I'm moving back home, even though I know you're saying it because you love and miss me.

Ask me when I'm buying my second house there.

1 comment:

  1. Dealing with something similar... thinking about (maybe) going to a new city for a new start and then not wanting to not know anyone there, not have a network, job, family, etc etc.



Play nice.