"The label you give yourself cannot impact external forces that are not motivated by your own psychology or influenced by a third party's pre-existing consciousness of you. We are all presented with reasons to struggle which come from completely external forces; to pretend that one is not struggling is either arrogance or an admission of defeat. To admit that one is struggling is a sign and a source of strength." - Evan A. Baker

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Alone and Broken

I was alone. My family was upstate and my best friend who was studying at UCLA finished and moved back home. My other best friend had just broken up with me. My roommate was always in his room, and we weren't really friends as much as two people simply cohabiting. I had no one.

I had work. That at least gave me something to do. But I did it all on automatic, all on autopilot. I couldn't remember how to laugh. I was not capable of smiling. I wanted to sleep. I didn't want to get up.

My hunger was so strong I could even feel my stomach cramping as it grumbled, but as soon as I would open the fridge, nausea would seize me and I'd have to quickly shut the door.

And feeling hungry was good. Feeling hungry meant I could feel something other than sad.

I had to find the tiniest things to give me comfort. The fact that the down escalators at CityWalk reminded me of waterfalls cascading down huge cliffs in Yosemite was one of the very few things that kept me sane. And ripping colored magazine paper and pasting them onto cardboard was somehow a release.

I was a marionette whose strings didn't work to lift up my hands or legs. I was dragged along, motionless, useless. Broken.

I spent 8 months fixing myself into the woman I am today. And I have The Maple Counseling Center to thank. Sliding scale therapy in Beverly Hills. A Must for any Angeleno who needs to restring their appendages to dance happily onstage again.

Sometimes the world is incredibly daunting, lonely and scary. You have help available when you can't see all the love that surrounds you. Stay strong. Stay healthy. Stay safe.


  1. Great post. Yes, LA can be "a bitch of a town," as a fellow actor once told me. He didn't stick around for the long haul, though—just lived here for a while before moving back home. Sticking it out in this town can be tougher than anyone imagines.

  2. I love you so much. SO MUCH.

    And you are so very, very strong and brave and beautiful.

    PS what are you doing Sunday? Back in town yet?


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