"The label you give yourself cannot impact external forces that are not motivated by your own psychology or influenced by a third party's pre-existing consciousness of you. We are all presented with reasons to struggle which come from completely external forces; to pretend that one is not struggling is either arrogance or an admission of defeat. To admit that one is struggling is a sign and a source of strength." - Evan A. Baker

Thursday, August 20, 2009

I Don't Know!!

What is the most annoying and frustrating thing about being a struggling actress? The fact that I just NEVER know. I never know! I exited my car today after my agency commercial dept audition and wondered what I'd write about. And all I can think to write about is that actors have to constantly deal with the unknown in their lives. Will I ever be able to afford a house? Will I ever have insurance through the union? Will I ever be able to start saving for my retirement, when I can sometimes barely make rent?

In other jobs, you start at the bottom and work your way up. That's the way the world works. But for actors, there is no mail room. There is no ladder to climb. One day you're waiting tables, the next, your agent is negotiating six figures. It is a crazy, crazy life. You can make a year's salary, a Good salary with just a few booked commercials! But WILL you book them this year? Will you book them next year? Will you ever book them?

One has to be crazy to want to live this way. For instance, last year, based on my own submissions, I was booking once a month. 4-8 audtitions/month and I book one of them? Not too shabby! And then this year rolls around, with all the crap it had stuck in its treads getting all over me, and I'm lucky, LUCKY to get one audition a week. That I myself got. Agent? Hello? Where are you?

It's so frustrating! It's hard! But at the end of the day, I am what I am - a storyteller. Either by writing (which, yes I need to do more of) or by acting out others' words, I am an artist who MUST tell stories. It's in my blood, my marrow, my DNA.

And crazy runs in my matriarchal line, so continuing to pursue this type of lifestyle on the off chance that I will be one of the few successful, kinda makes sense. I truly am insane.


  1. Hi there! New reader here! I was just thinking how cool it would be to go in to read for a part, but instead, you sit down, eat a Three Musketeers bar, sneeze into the script, and walk the hell out while whistling a prison tune... I bet you'd get any part, pronto!

  2. Well, I must be crazy too, and my crazy runs on the dad's side of the family...so I like to think we're optimists instead.


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